The Gratitude Campaign

On "Hands" by Jewel

2011-12-21T23:16:00.000-08:00

Every year around Christmas time there seems to be one song in our play list of over 900 holiday songs that stands out and holds extra meaning for me. It varies from year to year. This year, with so many of our troops returning from Iraq, the obvious choice seems to be Happy Christmas (War is Over) by John Lennon; and that song has been significant to us this year. But for some reason, the song that seems to hold even more meaning – that brings tears to my wife’s and my eyes every time we hear it – is Hands by Jewel. To be perfectly honest, after listening to it for weeks now, I still can’t say that I’m crystal clear on why it is so powerful for me this year. I have some ideas… Perhaps you can tell me:

in the end only kindness matters

if i could tell the world just one thing
it would be that we're all okay
and not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
i won't be made useless
i won't be idle with despair
i'll gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear

my hands are small, i know
but they're not yours,
they are my own
but they're not yours,
they are my own
and i am never broken

poverty stole your golden shoes
it didn't steal your laughter
and heartache came to visit me
but i knew it wasn't ever after
we will fight not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right

'cause where there's a man who has no voice
there ours shall go singing

my hands are small, i know
but they're not yours,
they are my own
but they're not yours,
they are my own
i am never broken

('cuz) in the end only kindness matters
in the end only kindness matters
i will get down on my knees, and i will pray

my hands are small, i know
but they're not yours,
they are my own
but they're not yours,
they are my own
and i am never broken
we are never broken

we are god's eyes
god's hands
we are god's eyes
we are reflections of god
(god's hands)
we are reflections of god
(we are god's eyes)
we are reflections of god

Now, if you’re not a religious person (as I am not), then please feel free to insert the word “universe”, “source energy”, “zero point field”, or even “each other” where you see the word “god” in this song – the point remains the same.

I’m starting to understand what this song means to me, and why it is so incredibly powerful.

What does it mean to you?

Guest Blog: Allison Mewes' Top 10 Things We Wish Nonmilitary Families Knew

2011-11-30T13:16:00.000-08:00

Continuing our series on what military families wish civilians knew about military life, this week’s blog comes from Allison Mewes, a military wife and writer. Allison’s husband is a Sergeant in the Active Guard Reserve, currently serving in Iraq. Allison was kind enough to share an excerpt from her forthcoming book, Intro to Army Life: A handbook for spouses and significant others entering the Army lifestyle:

Before becoming a military spouse, I would tear up when watching the video montages of service members reuniting with their families after a deployment. But honestly, I have to admit my understanding of, and involvement with, the military lifestyle didn’t go much deeper than that. I didn’t know anyone who had served in the military, nor had I experienced the military lifestyle growing up. Now, being neck deep in military life, I realize it’s a big deal! Your life revolves around the military, and it can be tough, especially during deployments. If you love a soldier, there is no doubt that you’re nodding your head as you read this—you get it!

According to the 2010 Military Family Lifestyle Survey conducted by Blue Star Families, 92 percent of military family respondents felt that the general public did not truly understand or appreciate the sacrifices made by service members and their families. Now, we aren’t complaining about our military lifestyle. We have an enormous amount of pride for our soldiers and what they do, but civilian and military lifestyles are definitely different.

These are a few things I’d like nonmilitary families to know about the military lifestyle:

Your husband being gone for one to two weeks on a business trip is not comparable to my husband being deployed for three to 12 months in a combat zone. Unless your husband has been in a combat zone, and you have to worry about his life on a daily basis, you simply can’t understand.

It is hard to manage on your own when your spouse isn’t around. If your friend or family member is dealing with a deployment, he or she may act differently, as life stressors may drastically increase.

Acknowledging the struggles military families are going through, as well as being there as a source of support to listen and help, is extremely valued and appreciated.

Not many military spouses will ask for help, and they may be very reluctant to accept it. If you want to do something, don’t ask if they need anything—just do it! Military parents rarely get time alone; offer to babysit, and let your friend or family member have some “me time.”

Don’t take it personally if a military spouse or significant other leaves your party early or ends a call with you when his or her spouse calls from Basic Training or overseas. Contact with our soldiers is so limited that we’ll most often drop everything (a phone call, a social engagement, a favorite TV show) just to hear his or her voice and know they’re alright.

We don’t want to have a political debate over war just because our loved one serves in the military. We concentrate on the safety and well-being of our soldier, no matter what our political beliefs may be.

The smallest gestures sometimes mean the most. Just asking how our soldier is doing means a lot to us, and it helps to know that they haven’t been forgotten while they’re away. Someone once asked me, “What does your husband need, and where can I send it?” That was one of the nicest things I experienced while he was deployed.

Two weeks of leave seems like a long and short time to us during a deployment. It’s long since we haven’t seen our soldiers for anywhere from four to seven months, and it’s short because we know they’ll have to leave again soon so we have to cram one year into two weeks. It is hard to share our soldiers with everyone who wants to see them during the two weeks of the year they’re home. Please understand if we can’t fit everything in.

Coming home from a deployment is an extreme adjustment for our soldiers. Understand that your friend or family member may act differently for a while, until they reintegrate back into society. Also, help be on the lookout for PTSD symptoms, such as drinking or drug problems, shame, despair, anger and violence.

Some soldiers are career military men and women. They don’t necessary “get out” automatically after a deployment—their lives and careers are focused on serving our country. Now, that is something to be proud of!

Share your “What I Wish They Knew” tips and stories on Allison’s Intro to Army Life Facebook page: www.facebook.com/IntroToArmyLife

On The Love of a Veteran

2011-11-11T14:15:00.000-08:00

I attended a ceremony at a local Veterans home this morning in observance of Veterans Day. As I sat in the audience listening to the presenters, I was struck by a couple of things.

First, I was struck by the fact that all of the presenters – every last one of them – were Veterans. The vast majority of the people in the audience were Veterans. As I looked around, it seemed as though this event was really about Veterans honoring each other, as opposed to us honoring them. Where were we?

Sheer numbers suggest that the audience should be filled with more civilians honoring Veterans than Veterans honoring each other. There are about 23 million living Veterans in the United States today, and a little over 2.6 million currently serving in some capacity. That’s 8.5% of our population. Where was the remaining 91.5% of us who have not served but live, and have lived our entire lives under the blanket of the freedom that these people have provided to us? I realize that it was a Friday, and many of “us” were at work. But Veterans work, too. If they can get there, why can’t we?

I suddenly remembered conversations I’d had with parents of teen-aged children about their relationships with their children. Conversations about how the child feels entitled to have the parent provide a roof over their head, clothes on their back, food in their stomach, the latest iPod, smart-phone, tickets to the concert, fees for their sports team, and rides and spending money in their pocket to go do… whatever it is that teenagers do. But the child can’t be bothered to spend time with the family, offer a hug, or tell their parents they love them. No, a simple “thank you,” or “I love you” is too much to ask of them.

I thought this is what it must feel like to be a Veteran. To have sacrificed years of your life; in many cases your mental and/or physical health; relationships; financial abundance… the list goes on and on… all in defense of people who don’t even appreciate it, and in some cases are completely indignant and disrespectful in return. And, like the parent who loves their child no matter how self-centered and unappreciative they are, the Veteran continues to serve regardless of how civilians respond; and in many cases even respects the civilian’s right to be disrespectful as an expression of the very freedom that they are defending.

I’m not a parent. And I’m not a Veteran. But I hope that I can love as deeply as they do; and that I can serve as unconditionally.

Thank you, Veterans, for showing me (again) what unconditional love looks like.

And thank you Mom and Dad (a Veteran). I love you.

Flags for Able Company

2011-11-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

Today's post is a call for help: a forwarded email that I recieved from the First Sergeant of Able Company, serving in Afghanistan. Here's what he had to say:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been making efforts to complete this project, I have finally asked my friend Barbara Walsh to advised me on who to contact concerning the possibility of having flags donated to Able Company, 1/26 Inf. As I have exhausted all Military avenues and am now looking to civilian assistance as Barbara as is State side I am hoping that perhaps we may accomplish this endeavor.

Let me introduce myself and my partner in crime, the First Sergeant of Able Company, 1/26 Inf. I (Christian L. Molitor) am the Border Operations Advisor to the Company Commander of Able Company and the First Sergeant (John Boxrucker) is the ranking NCO of Able Company. Able Company is stationed at Combat Out Post Terezayi in Khowst Province, Afghanistan. We have been at COP Terezayi since December 2010. Able Company will redeploy back to Fort Knox, and other US Bases some even in the San Antonio area the end of December 2011. I will remain at COP Terezayi until March 2012 to assist the new member and attachment personnel, a US Flag that has flown over COP Terezayi for 9 minutes 11 seconds. We will print up flag certificates stating that the flag was flown over COP Terezayi and include any and all persons, who assisted in donating flags or any other form of donation. I am purchasing the certificates, plexi-glass and wood to make the certificate holders. First Sergeant Boxrucker will make all the certificate holders when he gets back to Fort Knox. This endeavor will require 200 US Flags, the flag holders would be an added bonus but we could do without them if need be.

We are looking to do this so that these troops who have fought and survived a year at the Combat Out Post Terezayi one of the most let’s say there are no amenities for us. We are in one of the largest combat zones and we want to send these boys with a lifelong memorial to their service, to the camaraderie, to the tasks performed and the service of their country.

Timeline for the flags is mid November, so there is enough time to fly the flags and then pack them in one of the connex trailers being shipped back to Fort Knox. If the presentation boxes are possible, they could be shipped to Fort Knox anytime in January. All donors will receive a flag and certificate. I might be able to have either the First Sergeant or the Company Commander come to San Antonio to present the donors with the flag and certificate sometime in March or April after I return back to Texas.

I will be out of pocket for about three weeks starting around 29 Oct. Anything questions you have can be directed to First Sergeant Boxrucker at the following email address: [First Sergeant Boxrucker's contact information removed here -- if you're interested in sending flags, or contacting First Sergeant Boxrucker with questions, please email me at scott@gratitudecampaign.org and I will forward your request to First Sergeant Boxrucker].

Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated by all the personnel of Able Company. This Company has lost two of their own during this deployment. One was 1st Lt. Frison, the Platoon Leader of Second Platoon, Able Company and the second was Specialist Elm of Headquarters Platoon. Lt. Frison was killed in Action last May and SPC Elm was Killed in Action last Friday.

I want to thank you in advance for your time and effort to assist John and me in this special project.

God Bless America
Sincerely
Chris

American Flags are available online through many outlets, including Target.com for $19 each. For less than $100, you could send 5 flags to Able Company. Check it out at http://www.target.com/p/United-States-Embroidered-Flag-3x5/-/A-11177216.

On All or Nothing

2011-10-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

It seems like I’ve blogged about this before, although I can’t seem to find this exact phrase in my records. So perhaps it’s worth discussing again if only to take a slightly different approach to it.

Beneath some of the comments that I hear about supporting or not supporting those who serve, there seems to frequently be an “all or nothing” mentality. What I mean is that there seem to be a fair number of people out there who take the approach that they must agree with absolutely every aspect of military service if they’re going to show any support for those who serve – as though you’re only deserving of gratitude if you’ve always done everything “right”, and never done anything “wrong”. (“Right” and “wrong”, of course, being the eye of the beholder.) In my view, this is a philosophy that can only lead to dissatisfaction with everything, everywhere.

Where else in your life do you apply this kind of thinking? Do you leave a lover the first time you disagree? Do you disown a friend the first time they let you down? Do you leave your job the first time they don’t take your advice? Do you give up your kids for adoption they first time they break your rules? Of course not. If this kind of thinking made any sense at all we wouldn’t have laughed at Jerry on Seinfeld every time he broke up with a girl because she had “man hands” or was a “low talker”…

In life we surround ourselves with the people who are generally in alignment with who we see ourselves to be. In fact, some of our best friends and family may only have a handful of qualities that we truly admire and want to cultivate in ourselves. But if those qualities be powerful enough, a handful can be more than enough.

The vast, vast, vast majority of what our military service members do for us (and for others throughout the world) on a daily basis goes unnoticed, and unreported by the media. And, unfortunately, the more sensational, “newsworthy” things they do are frequently the most controversial. But that should not negate the majority of the service that they provide on a daily basis.

If there are aspects of what our military does that you don’t agree with, I would encourage you to speak out about those aspects – preferably to the people who can actually do something about them, like your Congressmen. Just don’t forget the rest of what they do – not the least of which is defending your right to speak out in the first place. And remember that the military is not one Soldier, or one Unit, and it is not one incident in one place at one time. It is two and a half million people currently serving in hundreds of places, in thousands of ways, and over 20 million living Veterans who came before them. There is so much to be grateful for in addition to be concerned about. All you have to do is look for it, and remember it the next time one of those sensational stories hits the airwaves.

And/both.

And/Both: On The Peace Sign - Part 3

2011-09-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

If you’re one who feels that we’ve beat this whole Peace Sign issue to death and it’s time to move on, I get that. I feel that a bit myself. But as is often the case debating one issue can bring deeper more fundamental issues to the surface and those are worth discussing, as well. So stick with me here for just a moment as we take this opportunity to discuss one such issue…

One of the things that stood out to me when reading some of the comments about our last few blogs about the Peace sign was how many of those who opposed our use of the Peace sign seemed to completely ignore the idea behind the sign and why we had it on our site, and focused simply on the surface issue of whether or not it was offensive to a handful of Vets. [And let me be clear – I do not say “handful” to be flip. I watch our numbers fairly closely, and the number of Vets who have voiced opposition to the sign compared to those who have not had an issue with it is extremely small.] Several people argued that if the symbol offended any Vets at all we should pull it from our site – regardless of the purpose behind it. They offered no alternative solutions, no new ideas that would achieve the same result in a different package – just “scrap it”, intended message and all.

The irony is that this is exactly the kind of black and white, my way or the highway thinking that created the tension around the sign in the first place. The anti-war protestors of the Vietnam era wanted only one thing: bring the troops home, and let the chips fall where they may. They didn’t care what the ramifications were. They had no alternative solutions to offer government officials that would address their concerns about the spread of communism in Southeast Asia without war. All they cared about was ending the war, and thus they created conflict in their own house. Many feel that in doing so they undermined the war effort, aided our enemies, and thus endangered our service members. For some Vietnam Vets, that is what the Peace sign represents – not peace itself.

One of the key aspects of what we’re calling Responsible Peace is in shifting to an and/both mentality as opposed to an either/or mentality: the idea that we can support our Troops and support Peace. Being productive as opposed to destructive or divisive in this environment requires a willingness to see, acknowledge, and address others’ concerns in order to find compromise wherein they will be willing to address yours. Compromise often requires an ability and willingness to focus on the “what” that you really want – not the surface details, but what is at the root of what you really want -- and to open your mind to “how” you might get what you want in such a way that allows your “opponent” to get what they want, as well.

In this case, we realize that some Vets are offended by the Peace sign due to their own unique experiences with it. And, again, it is not our intention to be disrespectful or to offend those Vets. It is our intention – what we really want – to support those Vets and to do everything in our power to ensure that future service members do not have the same experience that Vietnam Vets did. And we can see no greater way to support a service member than to do what we can to prevent sending them into battle in the future.

Part of the “how” for us in communicating that message is in combining the power of the Peace symbol with our logo, communicating the duality of our message -- the idea of supporting Peace as a means of supporting those who serve. As with most things in life, there is a cost/benefit analysis here in that, while that symbol may carry some bad connotations for a small number of Vietnam Vets, for hundreds of millions of people the world over the Peace sign simply means Peace. We have made the conscious and deliberate choice to risk offending a few in order to connect with and engage the many. Ideally, we would prefer not to offend anyone – especially Vets. But it is a risk we are willing to take in order to propagate a new social paradigm. We hope that any Vietnam Vets who are offended by the sign itself will choose to focus on the intent behind the message, and not on the package it comes in – to allow us the concession of using a symbol that holds a different connotation for them than it does for us for the benefit of getting what we all want, which is to support, protect, and defend those who serve as they do for us.

If we could all apply this sort of thinking on a more global scale – respect, understanding of intent, compromise -- would we ever go to war again? Just something to think about…

On 9/11 + 10

2011-09-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

Today I find myself searching for something profound to say. Something that will bring some solace on a day otherwise filled with grief and remembrance. I’m not sure why I feel responsible for that. The truth is that there is likely nothing that I can say that hasn’t been said, no words that I can offer that will change what was, and what has been since. And even if I could, I’m not sure that that would really serve anything. Sometimes, it is important and valuable to just sit with the grief, and not try to change it.

So I will say simply this: today is a day of remembrance. A day to remember those who have passed; both the innocent victims of a senseless crime, the heroes who died trying to save even more than they already had, and the heroes who have lost their lives to prevent more attacks from happening since or into the future.

It is also a day to remember and be incredibly grateful for those who survived and are still with us today.

I hope that everyone will take at least a few moments today to pray, meditate, grieve, think, just be silent - whatever label you want to put on it – for anyone and everyone touched by the events of 9/11; and if you were not personally touched by those events, to be grateful for that, and for those who serve to make sure that you are not touched by any such similar attacks now, or in the future.

If you were personally touched by the events of 9/11 – perhaps you lost a family member, a friend, a coworker, a fellow firefighter or police officer – I hope that you’ll take a moment today to close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Listen to silence. And in that moment, feel the subtle pressure on your chest of a warm embrace, and the moist sensation of tears on your shoulder from your fellow human beings sharing your grief today, and know that our hearts are with you.

On The Peace Sign - Part 2

2011-09-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

Based on the feedback we’ve received to last week’s blog, it seems that there are some strong opinions out there about the Peace sign and its role on our web site. Some of the feedback has raised some interesting issues around the topic that I think are worth discussing in greater detail. So I am going to address some of those issues in some follow-up blogs in the coming weeks, beginning today.

First and foremost, I think that it’s important to point out what I probably should have included in the first blog on this topic, and that is that it is not, nor has it ever been our intention to try to change how Vietnam Veterans feel about their experience including how they feel about the Peace sign and what it represents to them. Their experience is their own, and we have no judgments about that. Our message, and our web site, is targeted primarily at civilians and encouraging them to express their gratitude to those who serve in their own way. The Gratitude Sign is just one way of expressing gratitude. There are many others.

With respect to the Peace sign and its role on our web site, I’ll keep this first follow-up relatively short and say simply this:

On U2’s 1988 album Rattle and Hum, Bono introduces the song Helter Skelter by saying, “This is a song that Charles Manson stole from the Beatles. We’re stealing it back.” What I hear in that is, “We’re not going to let Charles Manson twist the meaning of this song, or ruin this song and what it means to us. We’re going to embrace it, and focus our attention on the positive aspects of the message in the song, and make it ours.”

In the late 60’s and early 70’s anti-war protestors (not to be confused with Peace activists) stole the Peace sign, and twisted its meaning for many Vietnam Veterans. We’re stealing it back.

On The Peace Sign

2011-09-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

I’ve received a couple of comments recently from Vietnam Vets who are offended by a feature on our web site. It’s a sort-of hidden feature, which many of you have probably not even seen: If you roll your curser over our logo in the upper left side of the page, it turns into a Peace sign. Seeing this, and hearing that it may offend some Vietnam Veterans might lead one to ask, “Why is it there? What does the Peace sign have to do with showing gratitude to those who serve? Why would it offend Veterans? And if it does offend some Veterans, why would you keep it there?” I felt like it was time to answer some of those questions. Addressing the issue in a somewhat chronological order, I’ll begin with why it offends some Veterans. So first, a little history:

What we have come to know as the international symbol for Peace actually started in 1958 as a symbol for Nuclear Disarmament – not necessarily “peace”, per se. The symbol was designed by a British designer and artist for a nuclear disarmament rally, and is based on the semaphore signals wherein two flags at 45 degree angles = “N”, and two flags vertically = “D”. The sign was later adopted by anti-war protesters of the Vietnam era. For many Veterans returning from Vietnam to a hostile and abusive public, the symbol became the sign for ungrateful, hypocritical, abusive and spoiled draft-dodgers who blamed the warrior for the war. Many Vietnam Vets refer to the symbol as “the footprint of the American Chicken.”

So why, if this symbol offends some Veterans, would we have it on our site? Well, first it is important to recognize that the meanings of symbols in our culture change and evolve over time and circumstance. The swastika, for instance, has been around for hundreds if not thousands of years. It can be found in Buddhism, Hinduism, and Jainism, as well as Greek, Roman, Celtic, Baltic, and Slavic cultures, and was generally used as a sign of good luck. It is only since Hitler adopted it as a symbol for the Nazi party in 1920 that much of the world has come to see it as a symbol for fascism and racial prejudice. Perhaps one day, with enough time and distance from WWII, its meaning will shift back to what it was for the majority of its history. That is our hope and expectation for the Peace symbol. While that symbol may hold some negative connotations for Vietnam Vets who were disrespected and mistreated upon their return from Vietnam, for the majority of the world, and especially for younger generations who do not remember Vietnam, it is a symbol for Peace (not to be confused with anti-war).

So what does that have to do with showing gratitude to those who serve? Let me ask you this: If we, as civilians, truly want to support those who serve, wouldn’t the most supportive thing be to do everything that we can to prevent the need to send them into battle? To avoid risking their lives as best we possibly can? Now, let me be clear here: I’m not talking about the “bring the troops home and let the chips fall where they may” approach of the anti-war protesters of the Vietnam era. I’m talking about civilians taking more personal responsibility for when, where, how, and why we send our troops into battle, and making different lifestyle choices that reduce the likelihood of going to war in the future. What those choices are, specifically, and how we can reduce the likelihood of war in the future without sacrificing our national interests and national security remains to be discovered. But it is a dialogue that we are opening up with the followers of our campaign, with government officials, and with academics and consultants. It is a dialogue whose time has come.

Generally speaking, and always with exception, those who have supported Peace in the past have not supported our Troops. And those who support our Troops typically have not been big supporters of Peace. Many see Peace as weakness – an unwillingness to fight for what is right. The truth is that we all want Peace. We just have different ways of achieving it. Some opt for the “turn the other cheek” approach, while others prefer to “walk softly and carry a big stick”. We are suggesting that we can support Peace because we support our Troops, and we don’t want to put their lives at risk frivolously or recklessly. We know that there are times and places when we must stand up and fight for what we as a society feel is right. We’d just like to see those times being fewer and farther between, until perhaps one day we will “fight no more forever.”

Forty years ago the Peace sign had mixed and somewhat contradictory connotations to it depending on an individual’s personal experiences with it. The sign is now experiencing resurgence in pop culture, appearing on t-shirts, shoe laces, jewelry, bumper stickers – pretty much anything that can be printed, stamped or forged – and it is generally viewed by most today as an international symbol for Peace. It is not, nor has it ever been our intention to offend or ignore those who served and suffered in Vietnam and upon their arrival home. Rather, it is our intention to encourage people to shift their thinking, to shift their awareness, and to consider serving those who serve by making the world a more peaceful place that does not require our service members to, as Douglas MacArthur put it, “…suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.”

On "They/We Will Never Understand"

2011-08-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

I’ve been working on thegratitudecampaign for nearly four years now. In that time I’ve the honor and privilege to have many conversations with those who serve and their family members about what serving is like, and what kinds of sacrifices they make on our behalf every day.

Part of my goal with this campaign is to bridge the gap between civilians and service members and their families. I’ve asked on several occasions, “What do you, as service members and military families, most wish that civilians understood about what military life is like?” The one comment, or phrase that seems to be uttered in nearly every response is, “Anyone who hasn’t served will never understand what it’s like.” I hear similar comments from the other side – civilians saying, “I can’t imagine what it is like.” After hearing this as many times as I have, I felt the need to address it – on both sides of the conversation (or lack thereof, as the case may be). So I have a request – or perhaps a challenge for people on both sides:

Try anyway.

For military members and their families: Try to explain what your life is like – what you’re going through, or have gone through. It’s not about asking for sympathy or pity. It’s simply about understanding. It’s about helping people to understand what they don’t currently see. And you’re absolutely right – anyone who hasn’t experienced what you’ve experience will not understand it on an intellectual or emotional level that is equal to your understanding. But a little understanding is better than no understanding. And they truly never will understand if nobody is willing to help them understand.

For civilians: Ask questions. Try to put yourself in their shoes (or boots, as the case may be). Try to picture yourself dealing with all of the stresses that military families deal with on a daily basis on your behalf. And show them the respect of acknowledging that you don’t completely understand, but that you’ll do the best that you can to identify with what they’re going through.

Gary Sinise, who has launched a foundation to support those who serve and their families, recently said in a press conference, “We can never do enough to support those who serve, but we can always do a little more.”

My personal friend, Master Sergeant Kevin Johnson, who appears in our video, would share with me his experiences in combat and in life since combat. For my part, I always prefaced my questions by saying, “Kevin, I haven’t been there and done that, so I have no way of truly understanding what you’ve been through. But I promise to try to the best of my ability. I won’t judge, pity, or presume to tell you how you should be dealing with what you’ve experienced. I will simply try to understand.”

For Kevin’s part, he would do his best to relate what he had experienced, knowing full well that that my imagination is not the same as his personal experience. He would say to me, “You’re not going to get what I’m about to tell you, but you need to understand it as best you can in order to do what you’re doing.” Not so amazingly, it was often the long silences between Kevin’s sentences that told me the most about what he had experienced.

Kevin died in November of last year from liver failure brought on by the heavy drinking he did to medicate his struggle with Post Traumatic Stress. If I were going to do anything to show respect for Kevin’s life, for his service and sacrifices on my behalf, it has to start with understanding who he was and what he experienced as best I can.

Knowledge is power. Understanding can change the world. Millions of people who don’t have AIDS or Cancer, who’ve never been beaten or abused, who’ve never lost their home in a flood or fire, or who’ve never been sold into slavery or the sex trade are doing powerful work every day to change those things so that those who have experienced them will find some peace, and so that fewer people will experience those things in the future. They were inspired to do so because someone who does have personal experience with those things told their story. And they listened, and tried to understand.

So please, tell your stories. Listen to others’ stories. That’s how we begin to change the world.

From a Soldier's Perspective - Part 1

2011-07-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

This week we start what I hope will become a new series of guest blogs written by Service Members and military family members aimed at helping those of us who have never served to better understand what military life is like, and what kinds of sacrifices are being made every day on our behalf.

Today's guest blog comes from Active Army Guard Reserve Sergeant Rusty Mewes. Rusty's military service spans 13 years. He has been deployed to Iraq since September 2010, and is currently working in the Force Protection field at the Victory Base Complex in Baghdad.

I asked Rusty what he most wished that civilians understood about what modern military service is like. Here's what he had to say:

That's hard to answer because no matter how I write it down or explain, a non-Veteran civilian will never understand. I will give it a shot, though...

First, even though the Military has declared combat over in Iraq, to me and many others it’s not. As you read in newspapers or watch on the news, many US Soldiers are still dying here from small arms fire, indirect fire, and the numerous forms of IED's. So combat is not over -- just our combat missions.

As I look at this past year, sometimes it is like being in prison, but not as bad. I am confined to within the walls of the base, I don’t get to see my family and friends, I eat cafeteria still food, and wear non-civilian clothes. Activities include weight training, continuing education, writing letters to my wife, work, and worry about dying. In prison you may get stabbed, beat up, or hurt in other ways. Here in Iraq you may get Indirect fire, hit by an IED, or shot.

We live in small trailers around 9'x 18' with 3 people in each room. For the 1st 6 months I had to walk 300 meters just to use a restroom that was not a porta-john, and to take a shower.

Another issue that was tough, and is currently bringing more stress to an already stressful environment is that we as Soldiers almost did not get paid in April of 2011 and would still be fighting over here while our families struggle to feed themselves back home. This may happen again here in August. If my boss when I worked for restaurants decided not to pay me I would stop working and go find another job. Being in the military, and in a war zone, you do not get that choice.

I know I have not given you much on what I wish civilians knew. But honestly, for me being in Iraq in 2011, I think no one needs to understand what we go through. Because no matter what we have experienced here unless you were here you will not understand. The only time someone needs to understand is if it is a Soldier that needs help with issues he gained from being here. I guess I wish they understood more the sacrifices each service member gives up to be in the military, whether deployed to a combat zone or not.

On Giving

2011-05-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

As I was driving to my office today I saw a rather disheveled man standing on the street corner with a sign that read, “Disabled Veteran. Anything Helps.”

For those who don’t encounter the homeless on a regular basis, it might seem like a no-brainer to reach into your pocket and give this man something – anything – just to help him out.

For those of us who’ve lived in large cities and who’ve encountered pan-handlers on a daily basis, however, I’m sorry to say that it is easy to become somewhat jaded and distrustful. I’m not proud to admit that while living in downtown Seattle I became very skeptical of those asking me for handouts. Is this person really a Vet? Are they really going to use this money for food or shelter, or are they going to buy drugs or alcohol? Are they really trying to get off the streets and support themselves, or are they “career homeless”, living off the generosity of others? I work for my money; why should I just hand it over to someone who doesn’t?

What I would say to that now is, check in with your gut. What is your first instinct? I’m not talking about what your head says when you start asking yourself all of the questions I just listed above. I’m talking about what your gut says in that split second after you saw the person in need. If you’re like me it’s, “What do I have on me that I can give?”

Unfortunately, the head and the ego jump in pretty quickly and say, “I’ve only got 10’s and 20’s. I’m certainly not giving away $10. If I had a $1 bill, or some change, maybe; but I’m not giving this guy $10.” These are thoughts based in fear. Fear that I don’t have enough to give some of it away. Fear that I’ll encourage more pan-handling. Fear that this person isn’t being honest with me, and that I’m going to be made the fool for giving to them. And once I’ve processed all of those fears, I’m twelve paces past the person, and I’d have to turn around to go give them something; which I’m not likely to do. So I just keep on walking and try to forget that I just ignored this person, as though they weren’t worthy of even being acknowledged.

Love would give this person whatever I had on me. Love would look them in the eye and acknowledge their humanity. Love would have faith that what comes around goes around, and whatever I give to this person will come back to me tenfold. Love would see itself in that person’s eyes, and recognize that the vast majority of us are only a few paychecks away from being destitute ourselves. And that if we didn’t have friends and families to support us if and when that happened, we might be right where that person is. Love would give.

But if you want to stay in your fear place for a little while, consider these “what ifs”: What if this person really is a Vet? What if they served to defend your freedom, and now they find themselves living on the street? What if they’re suffering from Post Traumatic Stress or Traumatic Brain Injury – wounds that you can’t see – they can’t get a job, and aren’t getting the support they need? What if their PTS has left them feeling disconnected from society, and being ignored for pan-handling is just driving them further into a black hole of depression that leads to alcoholism, drug abuse, and even suicide? How important is that $10 to you when compared to what this person might be going through?

For me, I’ll err on the side of being taken advantage of. I can afford it. Most of us can. If $10, a look in the eye, and a genuine wish for good luck might make the difference in this person’s life, I’ll take the risk that they’re not being honest with me, just in case they are. Either way, I’d rather come from Love than Fear. And it doesn’t have to be $10. It can be $5. Or $1. Or 50 cents, if that’s what you have. If you don’t have any cash at all, try just looking them in the eye and saying, “Hello, how are you doing today?” Many Veterans feel invisible. Homeless Veterans feel even more so. You might be surprised how meaningful it can be to be treated like a human being, even when no money is offered.

You can also pass along information for help. Homeless Vets can get help by visiting the National Coalition for Homeless Vets at http://www.nchv.org/ or calling their hotline at 800.VET.HELP. The call is free, and homeless Vets can get internet access at most public libraries.

On What We Thank Them For

2011-05-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation the other day with a psychologist, Kate Dahlstedt M.A. L.M.H.C., Co-Director of an organization called Soldier's Heart. Kate works with Veterans who are struggling with Post Traumatic Stress (remember, we dropped the D – “Disorder” part). She was telling me about some of the work that she’s doing with Veterans, and that some of them struggle with being thanked for their service at all. Some of them, according to Kate, feel that they did and saw some pretty horrible things in the course of their service in combat, and they don’t feel that those are things that we should be thanking them for.

Although I haven’t had that experience myself, I can understand how someone who has experienced what they’ve experienced might feel that way. So I thought that it was worth taking a moment to reflect on what exactly it is that we’re thanking them for when we thank them for their service. Of course, everyone has their own experience, and their own point of view on things, and we at thegratitudecampaign acknowledge and respect that. Here is our point of view:

We are free. Free to be the people that we want to be, to go where we want to go, to do what we want to do, and say what we want to say. As human beings those freedoms are our birthright; but they must be respected, and they must be defended.

When someone signs up to serve, they take an oath of service. The crux of that oath is that they promise to “…protect and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign, and domestic.” From that point on, throughout the duration of their service, where, when, and how they fulfill that oath is not completely up to them. Depending on the circumstances they are presented with, some do it heroically. Some do it quietly, almost anonymously. And it is the fate of some that they must endure, and perhaps on occasion participate in the most brutal aspects of being human over the course of their service. Not having walked in their shoes, those aspects are not mine to judge. But they all – every single one of them -- by taking that oath, have joined the ranks of millions of men and women who, for over 200 years, have served and sacrificed to defend Freedom so that the rest of us may live the way we want to live.

That, in its simplest terms, is what we thank them for.

For more information about Soldier’s Heart, please visit http://www.soldiersheart.net/

On Anonymity

2011-05-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

I recently received an email from our web site from a… disgruntled viewer. Essentially, this person’s opinion was that our motivation for starting thegratitudecampaign was to inflate our own ego(s); that it was all about putting the attention on us, rather than on those who serve. And that if we truly wanted to support those who serve, we would do it anonymously. For instance, they argued, we might make a donation to a non-profit anonymously, or we might pay for a service person’s meal in a restaurant anonymously. This is one of the less frequent comments we receive. But it’s not the first time we’ve received it, so I thought it was worth exploring.

First, for the record, I have done both of these. I both personally, and on behalf of thegratitudecampaign, have made donations to non-profits anonymously. I have also paid for service personnel’s meals in public restaurants on several occasions. And I will tell you – if you’ve never done that, I highly recommend it.

One of the reasons that I love paying for meals anonymously is that the receiver – the service member – doesn’t know who paid the tab. They only know that there is someone at that restaurant who appreciates their service. What I love about that is that, if I did identify myself, they would know “here is one person who values my service.” But by not identifying myself, they are left to wonder that it may have been any one of the people in the restaurant. It may be that ALL of the people in the restaurant value their service. By identifying myself, they are valued by one. By not, they may be valued by all. And the truth is that they probably are. I get a bigger emotional charge out of them entertaining that idea than I ever could out of some sense of obligation that they might have to me personally for covering their meal.

That is the pro of anonymous giving. Here is the con:

If I give anonymously, the only two participants in that experience are me, and the receiver. Nobody else in the restaurant witnesses or is affected by that experience (with the one exception being the server who processes the payment). Nobody is inspired by that experience. And so the giving stops there.

You may have seen a commercial on television recently. Much to the chagrin of the ad agency who wrote it, I’m sure, I don’t recall who the ad was for. The commercial shows a series of events, presumably over the course of one day, wherein someone does something nice for someone else. In every scene, there is a third person who witnesses the act of kindness, takes note of it, and is inspired to perform an act of kindness themselves, which we see in the next scene. This process goes on, and on, and small acts of kindness continue to spread to people who have no direct relationship to the person we first saw do something nice. This is the beauty of NOT being anonymous -- kindness has a tendency to spread.

So… there is certainly something to be said for anonymous giving. I’m a huge fan, and I highly recommend it when and where it’s appropriate. For the record, our campaign is in no way, shape, or form about glorifying ourselves as the “thankers”. And while I’m not advocating any sort of need to purposefully call attention to yourself in expressing your gratitude to those who serve, I would ask you to consider that by allowing others to witness your act of kindness you might be an example to them, as well. You never know who you may inspire, and where that may take us all.

On Killing Osama Bin Laden

2011-05-02T14:12:00.000-07:00

This is a long one. I had a lot to say, I guess…

Like many of you, I assume, I awoke this morning to the news that Navy SEALS had finally located and killed Osama Bin Laden. I was on my laptop computer in the kitchen, and I exclaimed (just being honest - no editing here), “Holy S**t!” My wife asked what I was referring to, and when I told her that we had finally killed Osama Bin Laden, we both shared a brief moment of celebration.

I then pulled up a few stories online to get more details. While watching a story posted by the Today Show, I was struck by a clip of several Americans out on the streets smiling, laughing, and chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!”; celebrating the death of Osama Bin Laden. Celebrating death. It was a very sobering realization.

In a flash, I was reminded of a quote by President Roosevelt that I had included in a previous blog:

“I have a suspicion that when this war does end, we shall not be in a very celebrating mood, a very celebrating frame of mind. I think that our main emotion will be one of grim determination that this shall not happen again.”

I then remembered that in October of 1993 an American Blackhawk helicopter was shot down over Mogadishu, Somalia. I remembered watching on CNN as the people of Mogadishu stripped our dead soldiers of their uniforms and dragged their naked corpses through the streets, chanting and celebrating. At the time I thought, “You barbarians. I understand that you may hate the U.S. and our military. But how can you celebrate death in this way? How can you take so much pleasure in it?”

Are we any better than they as we chant “U-S-A! U-S-A!” simply because we don’t have a corpse to drag through our streets? And what if we did have his corpse? Can we honestly say we wouldn’t do the same thing? Tragically, I’m not sure…

Very quickly, I wasn’t in such a celebrating mood.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not arguing that we shouldn’t have pursued Osama Bin Laden, or that I feel any regret about US forces having killed him. I, like many Americans, felt a sense of justice in the idea that we had finally “got him” after ten years of pursuit, and after the thousands of people his organization had killed or wounded over the years. I wrote in a previous blog that, while I support Peace, I also believe that there are times and places when we must fight for what we believe is right as part of our human experience. The fight against Bin Laden and Al Qaida, I believe, is unfortunately one of those times and places.

Interestingly – and not coincidentally, I suspect -- I recently received an email from a supporter of thegratitudecampaign that quoted Gandhi when he said that, “An eye for an eye just makes the whole world blind.” The hard reality for many of us Americans to accept is that, by killing Bin Laden, we’ve simply taken another eye. It is powerfully symbolic, but in the end it won’t solve anything. Al Qaida is still alive and well. And truth be told, killing Bin Laden will likely only fuel their fire. Someone will step into Bin Laden’s place and we will have to fight them, too. And because wars are ugly, and they tend to have collateral damage, we will only enrage more people in the region inspiring even more to join the forces against us. Remember – Osama Bin Laden himself was once an ally of ours in our fight against the Soviets.

Simply put, killing just begets more killing. It is a cycle that has no natural end... until someone makes the difficult and conscious choice to deny their instinct for revenge, and stop killing. Who will that be?

Gandhi’s answer was to turn the other cheek -- passive resistance. In the face of sometimes brutal oppression, he and his followers refused to fight. Would some form of that work with Al Qaida? I don’t know. My gut says no. Gandhi opposed an empire – a nation that had political and financial interests in controlling his country. Simply put, Al Qaida fundamentally hates who we are. They don’t have any political or financial incentives that I am aware of; they are not a nation that we can negotiate with. In this moment, I’m not sure that I possess the wisdom required to say how to stop the cycle. I just know I would like it to stop. So, while there doesn’t seem to be a simple answer at the moment I will continue to ask the question, even if only of myself.

What I do know is that, for me, today is not a day of celebration. It is a day of remembrance. It is a day to remember the 19,629 people who have lost their lives in Afghanistan; the families that our fallen Troops have left behind; the wives without husbands; the husbands without wives; the children without parents; the parents without children, the untold thousands who have and will return home with injuries both seen and unseen… the terrible price that has been paid by the many in the pursuit of the one.

It is a day to remember that we are all human beings sharing life on this planet – including Osama Bin Laden. While I don’t agree with his opinions or his methods of spreading those opinions, I acknowledge that he was a fellow human being doing what he thought was right, just as we believe that we are right. I don’t know how we deal with the Hitlers and Bin Ladens of this world when they seem bent on killing or being killed. Perhaps when they set those terms, then killing them is the only thing we can do to preserve our right to live free. But I hope that one day we will find another way. And I hope that, in our determination not to yield to their oppression, we don’t in the process sacrifice our humanity and compassion by embracing their hatred. While killing and dying may sometimes be necessary, I hope that we learn to stop celebrating it. For as long as we celebrate it, it will never stop.

And so, while I’m not sure that Bin Laden left us any alternative, I take no pleasure in his death. His death brings a chapter to a close, but it does not justify the 1,566 US Troops we’ve lost in the pursuit of him, nor any of the remaining Coalition Troops or civilians killed in Afghanistan. It does not justify a single death, except to the extent that it may assuage the grief of the families of those who’ve died in his pursuit more so than if those Troops had died without ever achieving their mission of killing or capturing him.

One thing is certain. The killing of Osama Bin Laden has left a void in the world. Where there was once a hatred and a passion for killing Americans, there is now a vacuum. And Nature abhors a vacuum – it must be filled with something. Who will fill it? And what will we fill it with?

On What We Can Do

2011-04-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

This week I want to share an e-mail that I received a few days ago. I think this sums up well many of the themes that we've been discussing in recent blogs, but in words that I could never offer:

Dear Scott,

Please allow me to thank YOU! As a Vietnam Vet from 1967-68, I know the pain of anonymity and rejection. You understand veterans and their plight completely. For someone to say to me, "Welcome Home" is a sentiment that always brings tears to my eyes, and even now I am crying as I write this.

War changes you irrevocably. Your eyes and psyche are burned with images that will never fade from view. Returning to the states and trying to re-integrate into your lifestream becomes a surreal and dreamlike event. Believe it or not, the war became our reality, and back here everything seems so banal, so trivial, so inconsequential. We are no longer of this time and place, but Outworlders, forever looking in but somehow never a part. It is a state of Being that is incomprehensible to those who never left. They try to understand our faraway gazes, our detachment, our tears, our silence. But they never will.

The best anyone can do is embrace us, hold us, allow us our contemplation, accept us, but never try to condescend, understand, sympathize, or patronize. Some of us saw and did horrific things. We remember our fallen brothers with honor, and wonder why the better man didn't go home instead of us. This is true for all who served, regardless of their campaign.

Anyway, from the deepest recesses of my heart, Thank You.

Sincerely,

Doug Fedele

Thank YOU, Doug. And Welcome Home.

On The Pacific

2011-03-31T16:10:00.000-07:00

Continuing our conversation on movies that have informed and inspired our gratitude for those who serve, I suppose I could have chosen any number of the movies that people listed as their most inspiring. But for some reason, The Pacific is standing out to me right now as worthy of discussion.

Like many of the other movies listed, I think that Spielberg and Hanks’ HBO series The Pacific tells the full story of those who serve and have served, with sometimes brutal realism, shocking imagery, and very frank, to the point, but at the same time very human writing.

There is one scene in the whole series that is standing out to me right now, that I think illustrates an important point that was clearly relevant at the end of WWII and, unfortunately, is still relevant today.

In the final chapter of the movie series, one of the Soldiers that the series had followed through his combat experience in the Pacific campaign has returned home following the Japanese surrender, and is attending a job fair to transition back into civilian life. The clerk checking him in asks him if he has any experience in a long list of skills that might translate well to the private sector. After responding, “No. No. No. No.” again and again, she finally asks him what the Army did train him for. He responds, (and I’m paraphrasing here) “They trained me to kill Japs. And I got pretty goddamn good at it.”

This Soldier, like many others in the film, is clearly struggling with Post Traumatic Stress – although they didn’t call it that in 1945 – and completely lost as to how to transition back into his old life. He is a shell of the man who left home to defend his country. And he has no idea what to do, or who to be now. Unfortunately, it seems, not much has changed on that front. This is still a huge problem for those returning from combat zones today. They still feel lost. They still have PTS. And we’re still not supporting them as we should.

Sting said, “History will teach us nothing.” I hope we can prove him wrong. (I suspect he hopes so, too.)

On Saving Private Ryan

2011-03-11T14:40:00.000-08:00

Continuing our discussion of movies that have inspired and informed our gratitude for our freedom and those who serve to defend it, it seemed appropriate to next tackle Saving Private Ryan. When we asked which films had informed and inspired you most, this was by far the most popular answer. Why is that?

I think there are several reasons:

For starters, Saving Private Ryan was probably the most accurate depiction of military conflict that we civilians had ever seen to that point in movie history. Saving Private Ryan was released in 1998, and up to that point most military combat in movies had been fairly glorified and Hollywood-ized. There had certainly been graphic movies before. But none to that point had quite managed to capture what combat felt like to the people who were in it. I remember hearing before I had gone to see it, people asking, “Have you seen Private Ryan yet? Man. The first 20 minutes will blow your mind.” I also remember seeing interviews with Veterans who were there at Omaha beach, and hearing them say that Private Ryan was the most realistic depiction they had ever seen of what it was really like.

In the opening 20 minutes, we see the Troops storming Omaha beach on D-Day. It’s absolute mayhem. The water is red with blood. Bodies are everywhere. We see limbs flying off, Soldiers lying with their internal organs spilling out around them, bullets and bombs flying everywhere, and the disorientation of Soldiers trying to navigate the beachhead to a place of cover. We see everything from brave focus and determination to mortally wounded men screaming for their mother as they lie dying. And we see the randomness of combat – that you might be talking to a guy right next to you, and a split second later he’s dead -- shot in the head while you turned yours away. We also see the great degrees to which people respond to combat – the heroism in the face of great danger; the crippling terror; the confusion; the barbarity; and even still, the humanity, and everything in between.

There were no glorified slow motion shots in Saving Private Ryan; no heroic advances, no infallible characters. The men in the movie were as real, and as fallible as they could be; just there to do their job, and try to make it home alive; caught between believing in what they were doing, and at the same time realizing the futility of war.

The mission to save Private Ryan is a metaphor for all of the sons, brothers, and fathers who were lost in WWII. It is a focused, powerful reminder that families everywhere lost, and still lose loved ones in war. And it reminds us of the terrible price that is paid by a relative few, so that the majority of us can live free and safe. Of the seven men assembled to find Private Ryan and return him to his family, only two survive the mission.

In the final scenes of the movie, as Tom Hanks’ Captain Miller lies dying at the edge of the bridge, his final words are to Private Ryan. He says, “Earn this.” In the final scene, as an elderly Ryan is visiting Miller’s grave some 54 years later, he says, “Every day I think about what you said to me that day on the bridge. I tried to live my life the best that I could. I hope that was enough. I hope that, at least in your eyes, I've earned what all of you have done for me.”

This is Spielberg’s challenge to us all. To earn what these men and women have sacrificed so greatly to protect and defend for us.

Have we? Are we?

On The King's Speech

2011-02-28T15:10:00.000-08:00

In honor of the Oscars, which were just awarded this past weekend, it seemed appropriate to begin our discussion of movies that inspire and inform with this year’s winner for Best Picture, The King’s Speech.

Now, you might be thinking, “What does The King’s Speech have to do with thegratitudecampaign?” Simply put, it’s about service. It’s no accident that I tend to refer to active personnel and Veterans as “those who serve”. These men and women have chosen to serve their fellow man by defending their freedom and security. As a benefit of their service, the rest of us enjoy the freedom and security to be who we want to be, and do what we want to do. That is no small gift. And in many cases, these men and women sacrifice themselves – who they are, if not their lives themselves – in order to give us that gift.

In The King’s Speech, Colin Firth shows us the great struggle that King George VI had to overcome a life-long stammering problem in order to be able just to speak to his people.

For those who haven’t studied WWII, by 1940 the British people found themselves alone after the fall of France to the Germans. They were isolated on their little island, with German U-Boats sinking hundreds of ships bringing much needed food and supplies to the UK. The only thing that stood between them and German invasion was the English Channel, and a handful of RAF pilots. London was bombed daily and indiscriminately. Thousands of civilians were killed. And those who weren’t killed lived under constant threat, dwindling supplies, and scarce food. I wonder sometimes if we Americans, so secure in our homeland for so long, could survive the same kind of ordeal.

Amidst all of this, King George VI, who never really wanted to be king at all, was called to lead his people. With the advent of radio, his most powerful weapon would have to be his voice – the one thing that he had o faith in at all. With his country at war, and his countrymen dying around him, he had to face his biggest fears, ask for help, embrace the work to overcome his challenges, and speak to his people to inspire them to persevere. Although he wasn’t on the front lines, King George VI understood what his people needed from him most. He knew the way in which way he could best serve them. And he did what he had to do to support his people.

This is the kind of service that every man and woman in our armed forces provides, every day. Doing their part, at great risk and sacrifice, so that we might all be free to do what we want to do, and be who we want to be. Some sacrifice more than others; and some have to overcome greater obstacles than others in order to serve. But they all do their part, and stand ready to answer the call.

The King’s Speech informs and inspires. It’s about Service.

On The Power of the Movies

2011-02-28T15:05:00.000-08:00

Last week I posted a question on our Facebook page. It said:

Movies inform and inspire us. In honor of Oscar weekend, which movie has most inspired your gratitude for your freedom and those who serve to defend it?

Movies have always been an important part of my life. I wasn’t just giving lip service with my question – they have informed me about a wide range of topics that I would not have otherwise been exposed to. And they have inspired me to be a better human being. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons that I started thegratitudecampaign to begin with.

Movies are so powerful because they show us aspects of who we are that might not otherwise be apparent to us. They show us what is happening in the world around us. And they show us how life could be, if only given the right circumstances. Would we have been ready to elect an African-American President by the year 2008, for instance, if Hollywood had not been showing us what that would look like for ten to fifteen years prior?

So it wasn’t surprising to find that they have inspired many of our Facebook fans, as well. Several fantastic movies were listed as inspirational. So I thought that was worth taking a closer look at. In the coming weeks, I’m going to spend a little time discussing some of the movies that have inspired and informed our gratitude for our freedom, and those who serve to defend it.

Stay tuned…

On Dropping the D

2011-02-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

I was in a meeting with a Soldier yesterday, and the topic of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) came up. He said to me, “You know that it’s not PTSD anymore, right?” I said, “No. I hadn’t heard that. What is it now?” He replied, “They’re just calling it PTS now.” I said, “Good! It’s about time we stopped calling it a ‘disorder’.”

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had the great honor and blessing to be able to talk to some of our Service Members who’ve served in combat about their experiences. I say honor and blessing because many of these men are not comfortable talking about their experiences. I suspect that there are many reasons for this. Some don’t want to revisit the pain. Others don’t think that there’s any point in trying to tell a story that someone who has never experienced anything close to could possibly truly understand. And I’m sure that there are other reasons that I’m not even aware of. For my part, I fully admit that there is no way that I could truly understand what they've told me. Still, I believe that some level of understanding is better than none at all. So it is a great honor for me that they trust me enough to open up to me. And so I do my best to listen, empathize, respect, and not to pity or judge.

Through these conversations, I’ve been able to garner some level of understanding that goes beyond what I would have had had I not had these conversations or if I had only read about these things or seen them in movies. There is something very profound in sitting with a strong, brave, powerful, disciplined, and dedicated man, and watching him have to pause for just a moment as his eyes turn red and glossy before he can spit out his next sentence about what he has seen and experienced in war. There is an exchange of emotion in that moment, albeit unspoken, that cannot be denied and at least in my experience cannot be forgotten.

Webster’s defines “disorder” as “an abnormal physical or mental condition”. After hearing the stories I’ve heard directly from those who have been there and done that, and reflecting on my conversation yesterday, it seems an oxymoron to call their stress a “disorder”, or “abnormal”. Most of us experience moderate to significant stress from traffic, job deadlines, credit card bills, relationships, having too much to do in too little time. It seems to me that if one were able to experience death and destruction on the scale that some of our Service Members have experienced, having been called back to war for four and five and six deployments, and to return home with no residual stress that was debilitating to some degree, that would be an “abnormal mental condition”.

Now, I want to be crystal clear here – I am not judging those who’ve experienced war and returned home able to manage their stress and memories without needing therapy, treatment, or medication. Everyone’s experiences are different, and everyone manages stress in different ways, and to different degrees.

I will simply say that one Veteran’s Center counselor that I spoke with estimates that upwards to 85% to 90% of those who’ve experienced combat return with some level of PTS. But current official estimates range from only 10% to 35%, largely due to lack of reports as a result of stigmas surrounding PTS(D), and lack of awareness as to how to recognize the symptoms of PTS.

Simply put, it seems apparent that experiencing PTS as a result of combat experience is not an “abnormal mental condition”. To the contrary, it is perfectly normal. And I’m not sure that I would want to live in a world where experiencing war stress-free is “normal”.

So here’s to dropping the “D”. Thank you for the insight, Staff Sergeant.

On Some Things Haven't Changed

2011-01-24T17:21:00.000-08:00

As you may have read from me before, I have never served in the Armed Forces. I was an Air Force brat growing up, so I had some exposure to the lifestyle. I have also been a huge WWII buff for years now, watching and reading just about anything that I come across on the subject. But for the record, I speak from the point of view of a moderate-to-well informed civilian; which, at best is still nothing compared to someone who has experienced combat first hand.

Having said that I have made what, by civilian standards, is likely an above-average study of war. Being the movie buff that I am, most of my study has been through movies – both fictional and documentary. There are those who will look down their nose at any “study” that is done by watching movies, as opposed to reading the written word. But in this particular case I would argue that there are some things that, in order to be truly appreciated and understood, must been seen. Reading a description of someone raising a gun to an innocent civilian’s head, pulling the trigger, and watching them fall to the ground lifeless is one thing. Seeing it is another.

This past weekend my wife was out of town. I took the opportunity to catch up on some movies that I had been wanting to see that I knew she would not be interested in. One of these was The Pacific – the follow-up to Band of Brothers that follows three Marines from Guadalcanal on through the end of the WWII. As with Band of Brothers, The Pacific is historical fiction. While it is not a documentary, the filmmakers went to great lengths to make it as accurate as possible. And they included documentary interviews with Veterans who were there.

The other was Restrepo – a feature-length documentary that follows a platoon of US Soldiers in Afghanistan over the course of a full year. http://restrepothemovie.com/

Watching both of these movies in one weekend, one thing stood out to me the most: Despite 60 years of history between the two conflicts, and an array of new technologies at our disposal, some things haven’t changed at all. War is still war. Innocent people still die. Men still do unspeakable things to each other. Even the strongest among us are still brought to tears. And men (and women) are still irrevocably changed by the experience of war…

To quote Forest Gump, “That’s all I have to say about that.”

On "Belief"

2010-12-13T08:09:00.000-08:00

This is the blog that I had intended for the week that my dear friend Kevin died. It had been a little while since my last blog. But as my friend Dusty recently commented, what I lack in frequency I make up for in length. Consider yourself warned.

I’ve been in a bit of a debate with a very dear friend of mine over the past few days over some social/political comments that they made that surprised me. The comments did not seem to be in alignment with who I know them to be, and they have opened up some interesting conversation between us about what our beliefs are. Not coincidentally, as I was responding to an e-mail from them on this particular issue we were debating, I happened to be listening to John Mayer’s song, “Belief”. In it, he writes:

Is there anyone who
Ever remembers changing their mind from
The paint on a sign?
Is there anyone who really recalls
Ever breaking rank at all
For something someone yelled real loud one time

Everyone believes
In how they think it ought to be
Everyone believes
And they're not going easily

Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching under water
You never can hit who you're trying for

Our beliefs can be a volatile thing. As Mayer writes, “Belief is a beautiful armor, but makes for the heaviest sword”. I think what he’s saying there is, that our beliefs can be a wonderful protection from the stresses and challenges that life throws at us on a daily basis. It is when we try to impose our beliefs on others that we run into trouble.

“Everyone believes, and they’re not going easily.” When our need for others to agree with our beliefs becomes too strong, or when we are too threatened by others’ beliefs our debates escalate, as though yelling louder will make them agree with us. But, “is there anyone who really recalls ever breaking rank at all from something someone yelled real loud one time?” No. And when the yelling doesn’t work, we occasionally turn to violence. This is how wars begin. But, as Bertrand Russell said:

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Financial guru and self-help speaker T. Harv Ecker, talking about the difference between poor people and rich people, says that poor people have an either/or mentality – I can either have this or that; I can either buy these jeans or I can pay my electric bill. Rich people, on the other hand, have an and/both mentality. In every situation they ask themselves, “How can I have both of these?”

I’d like to suggest that we can take this same approach to our beliefs. The world does not have to be either this way or that way – it can almost always be and/both ways. In order to get there, we need to increase the amount of energy we put into asking ourselves, “How can this be both?”

As Americans, we are often very conscious of how rich we are financially as compared to the rest of the world. But how often do we acknowledge how rich we are in Freedom? Do we not have enough Freedom to spare? Can we not hold true to our beliefs, AND allow others the freedom to hold to their beliefs?

The final two lines of Mayer’s “Belief” are:

What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand? Belief can. Belief can.
What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand? Belief can. Belief can.

It seems a fair assumption here that Mayer is referring to the war in Iraq. I’m not here to debate the war in Iraq. I think Mayer’s point is worth considering in a broader sense; however, that holding too strongly to our beliefs to the point where we try to impose them on others comes at a great cost. And it is very easy to say that our beliefs are worth dying for when we are not the ones who are dying for them. It is very easy to say that it is acceptable that the rights of the few should be limited in order to increase the safety and security of the many when you are sure that you are one of the many, and not one of the few. I would just suggest that we be very careful about what precedent we set. One day we may find ourselves on the wrong end of that equation.

Are there some beliefs that are worth dying for? Yes. I think that there are. I’m not sure that, sitting here alone in the peace, quiet, and safety of my office I can tell you which ones they are for me. I suspect that that is a question that no one can truly answer until they are put to the test. What is interesting to me in our current paradigm is that the vast majority of us have not had to sacrifice much of anything over the past 60 years in order to impose our beliefs on the rest of the world, or on each other. War is something that most of us watch on television these days. Would our opinions change if we were the ones who had to look another human being in the eye and deny them their right to liberty? Their right to life? Or if we had to look a mother in the eye and ask her to sacrifice her child to defend our beliefs?

My friend has a right to their opinion, just as I do. I respect that. And I don’t need to change their opinion, any more than I expect that they’re going to change mine. I just hope that we can learn to allow each other the right to our own opinions without taking it personally, and without the need to prove one of us right and one of us wrong. Our founding fathers had a simple concept in mind for our country, and that was that my freedom ends where yours begins, and vice versa. Let’s allow each other the freedom to believe in how we think it ought to be.

On How My Friend Kevin Died -- Part 2

2010-11-29T08:03:00.000-08:00

Like many Service Personnel who return home after serving in combat, Kevin found that he could no longer relate to his wife that he was so connected to prior to combat. I don’t know all of the details of their relationship, nor would it be my place to share them if I did. Suffice it to say that their marriage was one more casualty of that roadside bombing in Iraq.

Kevin was very open and honest about the fact that he struggled with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). He opened up to me (and to anyone who would listen) about the nightmares; the flashbacks; averaging two to three hours of sleep per night; the fears of IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices) even on the Washington State highways that he’d driven for years; the imbalances in his body as a result of the numerous medications he was encouraged to take; the ineffectiveness of multiple rounds of inpatient treatment programs; and to add insult to injury, the limitations that having TBI and PTSD put on his career options within the military that he had dedicated his entire adult life to.

As is all too often the case, the treatment that Kevin was receiving for his TBI and PTSD was inadequate to address the problem. So Kevin, like many others in his shoes, began medicating himself with alcohol just to be able to survive from day to day. And while he was fully aware that this was not a productive solution to the problem, it was the only solution that provided the comfort he needed. And the other solutions being offered to him weren’t working. Proportional to the PTSD that it was intended to dampen, his drinking was severe.

The shortest, simplest answer to the question, “How did my Hero, Master Sergeant Kevin Johnson die?” is that he drank himself to death. His liver failed, and essentially poisoned his blood. Kevin spent his final days in a hospital bed, surrounded by his family, waiting for the peace of death.

There are those who will say that by being so brutally honest here, I am dishonoring Kevin’s memory. I understand that, and I respect that. The conclusion that I’ve come to, along with Kevin’s family, is that to the contrary it is a testament to Kevin’s love for his fellow human beings that he would want people to know how he died. He would want people to learn from his experience, so that nobody would again have to endure what he endured. He would want people to understand that not every casualty of war dies in battle. For many, the injuries suffered in war do not leave a visible scar. But rather they sit beneath the surface, killing the Service Person slowly, methodically, perhaps years after the battle… and further injuring their loved ones along with them.

My friend Kevin was killed in Iraq in May of 2004. He died in a hospital in Seattle in November of 2010.

On How My Friend Kevin Died - Part 1

2010-11-22T19:59:00.000-08:00

If you are like me, the first thought that ran through your mind when you heard the news that my dear friend Master Sergeant Kevin Johnson died is, “How? What happened?” Kevin was only 45 years old. He should have had a lot of years left in him. Even if you didn’t know him you can see from his photo, or from his image in our video that he was too young to die.

I’m going to attempt to tell you how he died, as best I can, because I believe that Kevin would want people to know the truth of how he died as much as he would want us to know how he lived. Kevin was an example for others in every sense that he could be – both positive and negative. He showed us how we should be, by being an example to follow, and by showing us our own failures.

For those who didn’t know Kevin, a little background history:

Kevin joined the Army at age 17 and served for 27 years. He was an athlete, history buff, compulsive reader, and teacher. He served on every continent other than Antarctica. He was a Medic. And, in addition to personally saving hundreds of lives in several different combat zones, he also trained other medics who saved thousands more. He is the recipient of over 20 awards and medals, including one for the liberation of Kuwait in the first Gulf War that he gave to me as a gift; which speaks to his generosity and caring for others. Even in his final months of life he volunteered at a shelter, and helped his neighbor’s move, despite wearing a leg brace and barely being able to walk. Kevin was always more concerned for others than he was for himself. He is a hero in every sense of the word, although he would never agree with me on that.

In May of 2004, while serving in Iraq (again), Kevin’s HUMV was hit by a roadside bomb while on a mission to assess the medical needs of the local population to see how the Army could help. The explosion killed one of his best friends, Jeffrey Shaver, and Kevin suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI), sending him home. Kevin would spend the remainder of his life struggling with the guilt of surviving that blast, believing that he should have been the one to be killed rather than Jeff, and wishing that he could go back to Iraq to finish out his tour beside his fellow Soldiers.

Kevin’s TBI caused him severe memory loss – to the extent that he would often have to enter his driving destination into his GPS navigation system any time he drove. Not because he didn’t remember the way, but to ensure that he didn’t forget where he was going. He couldn’t remember much of his service. And when his psychiatrist helped him to bring much of it back through hypnosis, it was like being hit with every bad experience he’d had in his entire life all at once.

Unlike many Veterans who refuse to speak of their experiences in war, Kevin was willing to share with me some of the things he witnessed and experienced in his service in at least three combat zones that I am aware of. Horrific things. Things that no human being should see or endure. Things that I can’t bring myself to share here. Kevin had much to reconcile when those memories came back to him.

The rest of the story next week...

MSG Kevin Johnson

2010-11-04T13:51:00.001-07:00

I had a rather lengthy blog that I was going to post today. I was just putting the final touches on it when I received an e-mail informing me of some very sad news.

Master Sergeant Kevin Johnson, who appears in our video, passed away last night.

I've written before about Heroes. Kevin is my hero. He was an ordinary guy who did extraordinary things. He was humble, mild, gracious, polite, caring, fun, understanding... and I will miss him terribly.

Please join me in a moment of reflection and empathy for Kevin and his loved ones. And please, honor his memory and his service.

On "Brothers"

2010-09-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had a rare opportunity. My wife was out of town for the weekend. So I took advantage of the time I had alone to rent a couple of guy movies; one of which was “Brothers” (2009 - Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman).

The movie follows two brothers, one of which is serving in Afghanistan (Maguire). The other is fresh out of prison (Gyllenhaal), and back at home trying to support his brother’s wife (Portman) and kids in his absence. When Maguire is reported killed in action, the bond between Gyllenhaal and Portman becomes very close and, in their grief, teeters on romantic. This creates a fair amount of drama when it is discovered that Maguire is still alive, and he returns home.

In the midst of the tension between Maguire and Portman over her relationship with Gyllenhaal, however, is a much more common and all too real drama -- the tension created between spouses when one returns home from serving in a combat zone having experienced things that they cannot share with the spouse who remained home.

There is a very powerful scene in the movie in which Maguire is meeting with his commanding officer to request a return to Afghanistan. His commander asks, “How are things with the family?” Maguire responds, “They just don’t understand. No one does. I just want to get back to my men.”

I’ve had the opportunity to speak with a few Veterans who’ve served in combat zones; some in more than one combat zone. I’ve been very honored by their willingness to discuss their experiences with me. Although some of their stories are not pleasant to hear, and I have often found myself at a complete loss as to what to say in response, or how to support them, at the same time I know that it is important for them to be able to talk about it when and if they can. They know that I can’t truly understand their experience, because I have never experienced anything like what they have. I have no frame of reference that even comes close. And I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to tell someone what you’ve witnessed, or perhaps even participated in, for fear of judgment. It is this feeling of “they won’t get it” or “they won’t understand” that creates huge disconnects between the people who have experienced war, and those who have not.

I’m no expert on Post Traumatic Stress. I have no formal training in psychology or counseling. But if I could offer some advice based on what I’ve learned in my own experience, it would be this:

Listen. Show an interest in and a willingness to listen. Create a safe space for them to let what they're holding inside out. Ask questions. But do not judge. Acknowledge, to them and to yourself, that you will never completely understand what they have to tell you. Listen anyway. It is important for them to be able to talk about their experience with someone who can offer compassion and empathy.

Recognize that war is insane. It is an exercise in placing sane people into an insane situation, and we cannot expect people to behave sanely in an insane situation. Many of our Service Personnel have to become different versions of themselves just to survive the experience of war. They may never get back to the person they were before this experience. It’s probably not fair and reasonable of us to expect them to. If this person is someone that you love, love the new version of them. Be patient. Be kind. Be understanding. Be respectful. And understand that that might come in the form of respecting their choice not to tell you about their experience. You might encourage them to talk to someone who would understand. There are many options available through the VA. Sometimes just giving them the opportunity to talk is enough of a gesture to make it ok for them to open up to someone else.

We asked them to serve. The least that we can do in return is to hold a space for them to process their experience of serving with dignity, love, respect, and understanding.

On Contagious Gratitude

2010-09-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was flying home from a business trip. Prior to boarding the plane, I noticed one active military member and one Veteran waiting in the gate area for my same flight. I went over to each of them, as I typically do, I shook their hands, and I thanked them for serving for us. I learned that the Veteran was a Veteran of WWII, having served in the Philippines. Being somewhat of a WWII history buff, I know what that service means, and I was very struck, and honored just to have met him. Both he and the younger Soldier were very gracious, and clearly appreciated my recognition of their service.

As we were boarding the plane and passengers were getting settled, I spoke with two of the flight attendants. I had flown this airline just a few days prior, so I was aware that they offered several snack items, drinks, and in-flight entertainment that were not included in the fare, but could be purchased for a small additional fee. I explained to the flight attendants that I had observed at least one, perhaps two active military personnel and one Veteran who would be on the flight with us, and I told them that I would like to cover anything that these Service Men would like to have during the flight. Both of the flight attendants were visibly struck by my offer. One even noted, “Oh, that’s so sweet of you!” I replied, “Well, I’m grateful.”

As it turned out, the active military member slept throughout the flight, and did not have the opportunity to take advantage of my offer. The Veteran accepted a snack item, which he later walked the full length of the plane to come thank me for; which I was again struck by. This man had helped to define the very world in which I live, and the freedom and prosperity that I have enjoyed since birth, and here he was offering me a very heartfelt thank-you for a $4 snack item.

My point in sharing this story, however, is not even about the Soldier or the Veteran, but rather about the flight attendants. Over the course of the flight, they offered me free snacks, a free beverage (that would have otherwise cost extra), and they swiped their own card to provide me with free entertainment. And they never did allow me to pay for the snack that the WWII Veteran ordered. So, in the end, not only did the Veteran get a little bit of well-deserved recognition and gratitude, but it cost me nothing to give it to him. And what’s more, I got some too. The flight attendant who swiped her card to cover my in-flight entertainment remarked when she was done, “See? When you do good for others, you get good back yourself.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Gratitude is contagious. Pass it on.

The airline was Frontier, by the way. Fly with them if you can. Power to the Positive.

On Glorifying War

2010-08-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that I haven't posted a blog in a while. As hard as it may be for those who know me to believe, occassionally I do run short on things to say. But then something always pops up...

Today I was notified of an opinion piece about thegratitudecampaign published in several news papers, including The Christian Science Monitor, by a freelance writer and college professor named David McGrath. Mr. McGrath, it seems, takes issue with our campaign because he beleives that it glorifies war, and he is particularly concerned about how that influences our children.

You can find Mr. McGrath's piece here: http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2010/0816/Support-our-troops-Not-with-an-empty-gesture

In response to Mr. McGrath's article, I have offered to The Christian Science Monitor the following letter:

Mr. McGrath:

I read your piece on your decision not to participate in thegratitudecampaign. First and foremost, I would like to acknowledge your right to your own opinion, and your freedom under the Constitution to express that opinion; a freedom that has been defended by those who serve for over two hundred years. So, with regard to your exercising your freedoms, I applaud you.

Having said that, I am struck by the fact that in addition to being a freelance writer, you are also a professor. I have attended three colleges and one university, and if there was one thing that my professors impressed upon me with regard to anything that I wrote, it was that I did the appropriate research prior to making an assertion. Even in matters of opinion, they said, only informed opinions can stand up to scrutiny. While I respect your right to your own opinion, and I take no issue with you choosing not to participate in thegratitudecampaign, I do wonder if the opinion that you have published here for the world to see was an informed one.

If I understand your argument correctly, you seem to be taking issue with two things: The glorification of war, and the affect that that has on our children.

First, to the glorification of war: I wonder if, prior to forming and publishing your opinion, you took the time to read the materials available on our web site along with the video that you take issue with. Did you, for instance, read the FAQ/Comments page of our web site on which we discuss that this campaign is about gratitude for service – not for war. Or that a large percentage of our active service personnel and our Veterans have never served in a combat zone, or fired a weapon in anger. Or that this campaign is just the first step in helping civilians to engage and understand our service members so that they will be more likely to support them in additional, more tangible ways. Or that, contrary to public opinion, it is possible to support our Troops and support Peace -- in fact we support Peace because we support our Troops. Or that our campaign is not about the war in Iraq, or in Afghanistan. Rather, it is about showing gratitude for service to our fellow man. Or that war itself – killing and dying for a cause – is a failure on our part as human beings to resolve our disputes through more civilized means, and that we as civilians bear the responsibility for preventing future wars.

Did you read our blogs on the psychology of gratitude, and giving power to the positive? Or on the dangers of hero worship, and of overcorrecting? Did you read any of that, and consider it before forming your opinion? For that matter, did you notice that there is not a single image in our video of combat or violence of any kind? Did you notice that there isn’t even a single weapon shown in our video? I am a fairly objective and reasonable man, Mr. McGrath, but I am hard pressed to find anything in our video or associated in any way with our campaign that glorifies war. To the contrary, we make it abundantly clear that we see war as failure.

With regard to influencing our children, first, I’m not sure that I agree with you that children are incapable of distinguishing between showing gratitude for service, and glorifying war. As parents, and as a society, we have a responsibility to teach our children our shared beliefs and values. And, while it may be true that they may not yet fully comprehend all aspects of one of our values or how it plays a part in how we interact with one another as human beings that does not mean that the best solution is to simply choose not to teach it to them. When I was six years old I did not fully understand why it was so important to my parents that I say “please” and “thank you”, or that I chew with my mouth closed, or that I not interrupt people in mid-sentence. Fortunately, the human mind does not stop developing at age six. I learned those lessons, and as I got into my teens and early twenties, I learned to appreciate the “why” behind those lessons.

When I was twelve years old I asked my father – a retired Air Force Captain who specialized in electrical systems on nuclear missiles – how he felt about being such a warm, loving, peaceful man working on weapons that were capable of killing millions of people. He responded that the way he saw it, if he did his job really, really well, those missiles would never be fired. Even as a twelve year old, I understood what he was saying. And to this day the missiles he worked on have never been fired. And many have been or are being dismantled.

Admittedly, the concepts that someone could choose to serve and themselves not believe that war is glorious, or of civilians being able to support Peace and still support our Troops, or of separating our gratitude for the warrior from our distaste of the war are challenging – even for many adults. But just because they’re challenging concepts doesn’t mean we should avoid them. To the contrary, avoiding them may be the very thing that allows war to continue. And, ironically, it may just be that our children are more capable of understanding them than we are, as they have not yet been socialized to believe that service and peace are incompatible.

In conclusion, Mr. McGrath, I share your concern about our society glorifying war, and especially in the eyes of our children. But if we’re going to do something about society teaching our children to glorify war, it seems to me that we should be much more concerned about the literally millions of simulated killings that our children see on television and in the movies, and even participate in through war-themed video games than about a campaign that encourages peace, responsibility, and gratitude for service to your fellow man. Of course, you have the right to disagree.

Sincerely,

Scott Truitt
FOUNDER
thegratitudecampaign

On Christmas In July

2010-07-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

Here in the Pacific Northwest, we have a chain of mattress stores that runs a promo nearly every year called “Christmas in July”. Now, I’m a Brand Strategist and Designer, and I work with a lot of retailers. So I’m pretty familiar with commercialism and materialism; and in most cases, I’m ok with it. But “Christmas in July”, I think, has to be the most blatant commercialism of Christmas I’ve seen, associating Christmas with the sale of a product during a season that has nothing whatsoever to do with the celebration of Christmas.

Having said that, it does bring up an interesting issue; one that I wrote about in January of this year. So this “Christmas in July”, I thought I’d revisit my post from January, just as a reminder:

How many of us watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year? And how many more just enjoy the Vince Guaraldi music from that special? In his song, “Christmas Time is Here” there is a line that says, “Oh that we could always see such spirit through the year.” There’s another song in my rotation called “I Wish Every Day Could Be Like Christmas” by Jon Bon Jovi. And I’m sure that there are many more with similar sentiments that we all sing along with, fully entrenched in the Christmas spirit, and think, “Yeah – I wish every day could be like Christmas, too.” The warm, fuzzy feeling that we have at that time of year; the open-heartedness; the willingness to reach out to, and care for, and love our fellow man -- I know that that sounds sappy and sentimental now that we’re out of the Christmas season. But really, what’s so crazy about that idea? If we can be that way at Christmas (or Hanukah, or Kwanza, or Ashura, or Solstice, or whatever you choose to celebrate this time of year), what is stopping us from being that way all year? It’s amazing how temporary that feeling is for most of us at Christmas – how quickly that feeling goes away, and we settle right back into our routines and our self-centeredness.

When we think of January, we tend to think of the New Year, and of resolutions. How many of us make resolutions that have anything to do with reaching out to other people like we did at Christmas? I’m guessing not too many. Resolutions tend to be about losing weight, reaching our financial goals, quitting smoking… which are all good things, of course. I’m just struck by how quickly we return to thinking about “me, me, me.”

So this week, I’d like to suggest a different kind of resolution. What if we resolved to show our Holiday spirit all throughout the year? What if we reached out to our fellow man, and showed compassion, and understanding, and respect to others every day of the year? What if we focus our attention on how much we are alike with the people around us, rather than how we are different, and we deal with those people with love rather than fear? It may sound sappy and idealistic, but I can live with that. I’d rather live with that than the alternative. And I’m man enough to be sappy and sentimental and be ok with it. I’ve had great role models - a Captain, and a Master Sergeant just to name two.

So… remembering the best of Christmas, and of ourselves at that time of year, I wish you a Merry Christmas in July to you and your family. Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men (and women).

On Overcorrecting

2010-06-30T08:35:00.000-07:00

This morning I awoke to find a comment that someone had left on our YouTube page. It read:

“Gratitude should be shown to individuals not to entire categories of people. Just because someone is wearing a uniform that doesn't mean you know anything significant about who they are. I know that this video is well intended but I worry that this is a double edged sword; that people who are eager to make positive assumptions about soldiers might be prone to make negative assumptions when they encounter a woman in a hijab or burka for example.”

I wanted to take a moment to respond to this, because I think it raises a couple of important points. I’ll address the first couple of points, and then to the real issue at hand:

First, ironically, our campaign IS about thanking individuals as opposed to entire categories of people. Our campaign was specifically designed to provide civilians with the means to look one person in the eye and thank them for their service. And while it is true that just because someone wears a uniform doesn’t mean that we know who they are it does tell us what they do and that is that, by definition, they serve to defend our freedom and security. And Service is deserving of gratitude.

Now, before I go on, I want to acknowledge that the author of this comment likely has their heart in the right place. They are clearly expressing a concern about discrimination; and I agree that that is something that we all need to be conscious and aware of. Having said that, I think that this comment illustrates an all too frequent response in our society of overcorrection – denying a certain good out of fear of a potential bad.

Let me use an example: helmet laws. Many states, including my native Washington, have laws requiring motorcycle riders to wear helmets. These laws were enacted to address a growing problem of riders getting into accidents, cracking their skulls, and thus requiring intensive medical treatments for which they had no insurance to pay, thus costing the tax-payers millions of dollars per year. The solution? Make everyone wear helmets. The problem with this solution, and the point at which it becomes overcorrection, is that it denies riders – even those with adequate health insurance -- the freedom to decide for themselves whether or not they are willing to take the risk of riding without a helmet. If a rider has adequate insurance to pay for their own treatment should they get in an accident, and they are not risking harm to anyone else by not wearing a helmet, shouldn’t they have the right to decide for themselves whether they wear a helmet?

Some (in my opinion) smarter states have enacted laws stating that riders who choose to ride without a helmet must be able to show proof of adequate health insurance in addition to their license to ride. This solution actually addresses the issue at hand without overcorrecting and denying others their freedom to decide for themselves.

In the case of the author of the comment above, their solution seems to be that we should not thank anyone we don’t know for their service for fear that the opposite could happen and that certain people might be discriminated against for what they choose to wear. I would argue that that solution does more to separate us and isolate us as people by suggesting that we can’t assume anything good about our fellow man for fear that we might also assume something bad. There will always be the potential of people assuming bad things about those they don’t know and don’t understand. And we need to be conscious of that, and encourage people to learn more about each other, rather than isolating and engaging less with one another. Let’s deal with discrimination directly when and where and how it happens. But denying those who serve the gratitude that they deserve, denying people the option to assume the best in their fellow man, to connect with them, and express what is in their hearts is an overcorrection that does more harm than good.

I would encourage everyone to see what happens when they assume the best in their fellow man, and interact with them accordingly. Thank those who serve for you. And smile at the woman in the hijab or burka. Goodwill is contagious. And wouldn’t you rather catch that than the fear of the other edge of the sword?

On the Power of a Moment

2010-06-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

My wife and I were dropping some friends off at the airport this past weekend. And on the way back to the car we passed a Soldier with his wife and small child pulling his bags out of his car. As we passed by, I gave him the Sign. He nodded, and held up his hand as a sign of “no problem”, or “you’re welcome”, just as Master Sergeant Kevin Johnson did in our video.

I’ve given the Sign to those who serve many times before. But more often than not, I approach those who serve directly, and I offer a hand shake and verbal “thank you for serving”, and I engage in a little conversation. When I do use the Sign, it’s often because I can’t reach the person I want to thank, or because the situation does not support me approaching them directly. And in many of those situations, they’ve offered a head nod, or some other sign of recognition. But this is the first time that I have experienced a Soldier’s reaction being exactly as Master Sergeant Johnson reacted in our video. It was quite powerful to me.

As my wife and I drove away, I couldn’t help but piece together the situation we had just witnessed and participated in. This Soldier was clearly unloading his car -- not loading it. I am not a gifted enough writer to communicate how powerful and meaningful that realization was for us in that moment. He was unloading his bags at the airport. He was on his way out… to God knows where, for God knows how long. His wife and small child were there to see him off… for God knows how long. What a solemn moment this must have been for that Soldier and his family. His wife, who knew all too well what was happening; and his small child, who had no idea what was happening, or how long it would be before they saw their father again; or that there was a very real possibility that they may never see their father again.

And in this moment - this incredibly powerful, life-changing moment for this man and his wife and small child that I happened upon - I offered a simple Sign of gratitude. Was it enough? Did I do enough to earn this man’s service and sacrifice? Did I do enough to make this man’s wife feel that her sacrifice – that her child’s sacrifice – were worth it? I have no idea; from my point of view, absolutely not. But it’s a start. Perhaps it served as a reminder of why they’re sacrificing what they’re sacrificing. Perhaps knowing that their service and sacrifices were recognized, and appreciated helped in some small way to assuage the heartache of the moment. I have no way of knowing for sure. What I do know for sure is that from my point of view, it was a powerful reminder that a “thank you from the bottom of my heart” is a very good start; and certainly tenfold better than no acknowledgment at all. But it’s just a start.

On Missed Opportunities

2010-06-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

My sister and her husband came to visit my wife and me for the weekend. They just arrived tonight, and we shared a glass of wine, and did a little catching up. As we talked about their trip, they shared with me that they had had a couple of opportunities in the airports along the way to express their gratitude to a Service Member, but had missed them. Both times they were walking along the concourse, both hands full, and the moment just went by them too quickly to do anything about it.

My wife added that she had had a couple of similar missed opportunities recently, where she was at a grocery store, and wanted to say "thank you" to a Service Member, but they never made eye contact. This is a little ironic for my wife in particular by the way, since she appears in our video, and the first shot or scene in the video of her watching the Soldiers walk by is what the Director, Amy Sedgwick and I referred to as the "missed opportunity shot".

I've had many such experiences myself, where I saw a Service Member out in public, and I wanted to express my gratitude, but circumstances did not allow it. Perhaps they were too far away, or I couldn't get to them, or they were engaged in some activity that would have been rude for me to interrupt. Then I was left with this nagging feeling that I had missed my opportunity -- that perhaps I had just wimped out, made excuses, and failed to take the initiative to approach them. Then I felt bad for not telling this person how much their service means to me.

So, here's what I've learned from those experiences: It's OK. Sure, in our video we say, "Just don't miss the opportunity to thank the person right in front of you." But that line is not intended as a guilt-trip -- it's a goal -- an intention. It doesn't mean that you have to feel bad if you miss a single opportunity to thank someone. There will be other opportunities -- trust me. The point is not to kick yourself for missing one, but rather to set the intention to take the next one.

The one other thing I would add to that is that this is a relatively new campaign in the grand scheme of things. Sure, most Service Members have seen our video, and are familiar with the Sign. But we've still got work to do to make receiving our Sign as common for those who serve as sending or receiving a military salute. You are part of that work. They have been trained to look for rank insignias on other uniforms to determine if they should be sending or receiving a military salute from another Service Member -- they haven't been trained to look for our Sign... yet. We're training them now -- you and me. So my advice to you when you can't make eye contact is: Give them the Sign anyway. Perhaps they'll see the tail end of it, if not the entire thing. Perhaps they'll see it out of the corner of their eye. And the more they see it, the more they'll look for it. It will become a reflex -- just like the military salute.

And even if they don't see it, you will know that you did it. And trust me on this one, doing it feels better than not doing it. Even if they don't see it at all.

On Gratitude & Psychological Well-Being

2010-06-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

This week, I want to share an excerpt from a blog on Psychology Today by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, who sent it to me last week. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. is a Professor of Psychology and Director of the Office of National Scholarship Advisement at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. (Posted with her permission.):

Many real-life heroes also do not expect thank-yous. Yet, when we benefit from the labors that others put out for our sake, we feel internally driven to and want to express our gratitude. And that's a good thing, in more ways than one.

Psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough point out that gratitude is the "forgotten factor" in happiness research. They point out the benefits of expressing gratitude as ranging from better physical health to improved mental alertness. People who express gratitude also are more likely to offer emotional support to others.

Expressing gratitude in your daily life might even have a protective effect on staving off certain forms of psychological disorders. In a review article published this past March, researchers found that habitually focusing on and appreciating the positive aspects of life is related to a generally higher level of psychological well-being and a lower risk of certain forms of psychopathology.

Now how can you apply these ideas to your own life? Here are some suggestions to boost your own, shall we say, GQ's ("gratitude quotient"):

1. If someone thanks you, accept the thanks graciously. Let the person know you appreciate being thanked. That's all you need to do. Really.

2. If you find that difficult, think about why gratitude makes you uncomfortable. Do you not feel worthy of being thanked? In my study of personal fulfillment in midlife, I identified a subgroup of people whose own fulfillment was hampered by their lack of faith in their own worth. Chronic feelings of inadequacy can make it difficult for people to benefit from any thanks that come their way.

3. Look for small things to be grateful for. Not all acts of kindness have a capital "K." A driver who lets you ease into a busy highway deserves a wave just as much as someone who holds open a door when you're loaded down with packages. A smile will boost your GQ and make both of you feel better.

4. Don't fret about gratitude infractions. If you forget to send a thank you note don't worry about it and certainly don't use elapsed time as an excuse to avoid the task altogether. Send a quick email and then get to the real thing. If you're a chronic forgetter, though, you might try to figure out why. By the same token, if someone forgets to thank you, don't ruminate over it, thereby raising your BP if not your GQ.

5. Keep your thank you's short, sweet, and easy to write. One reason people procrastinate about writing thank you's is that they want them to be original and not seem hasty, insincere, or ill conceived. This doesn't mean the thank you should be one that is short enough to tweet but if you don't build it up in your mind as having to be a magnum opus you'll be less inclined to put it off. Whatever you do, don't make excuses or lie about having sent a thank you that you never did (for more on lying and excuse-making, check out my previous post).

A great reminder that gratitude is not only good for the receiver, but also for the giver. Thanks, Susan. To read Susan's entire blog, please visit http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201005/giving-thanks-the-benefits-gratitude

On Strength & Weakness

2010-05-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

I was having an e-mail exchange today with a psychology professor from the University of Massachusetts Amherst on the subject of gratitude. As I was responding to her, I was commenting on why some people choose not to – or fail to, as the case may be – express their gratitude.

In my observation, many people have a real challenge with expressing their emotions – especially men. And that challenge is multiplied tenfold when expressing their emotions to strangers. I don’t know if this issue is getting worse or better over time on a societal level. But I find that so many of our issues in our relationships – whether they be interpersonal or international relationships – come down to communication.

Now, when people throw that phrase around with respect to relationships – “It’s all about communication” – I think that they’re often times just thinking about how well, or how craftily they’re communicating what they want to communicate in order to get the result that they want. But what is a bigger problem, I think, is what they’re not communicating at all – how they honestly feel about something or someone. Of course, in order to communicate something to someone else, you must first be consciously aware of it yourself. And that may be 70% of the problem for many people. But even those of us who are fairly self-aware often fail to communicate our feelings to others. Sometimes I wonder if, at least in the US, we’ve decided that expressions of love and gratitude, for example, are signs of weakness.

I’ve noticed this in my own relationships. I’ve always been pretty good about expressing my emotions to my wife. But I recently realized that I don’t express myself quite as well to many other people in my life.

My wife and I met another couple about three years ago who have become very dear friends of ours. And it has become a norm in that relationship to tell each other “I love you.” This was strange enough for me at first to tell another woman, who was not my wife, mother, or sister that I loved her. But it was stranger still to tell another man who was not my father that I loved him. It has since become very normal and comfortable for me. And it occurred to me as I was hanging out with a girlfriend with whom I’d been friends since 7th grade that I had never told her I loved her. What a stark contrast, I thought – and a tragedy, really – that I was telling someone I’d only known for three years how I honestly felt about them, but I wasn’t telling this woman who had been my dear friend for 25 years how I felt about her. It wasn’t because I didn’t feel just as strongly for her, but rather because I simply wasn’t acknowledging it, either to myself or to her. And if I was unable to tell this dear friend how I felt about her, you can bet that I wasn't telling too many strangers how I felt about them.

I wonder if our inability to show how we truly feel – again, especially for men -- is frequently because we’re afraid of how it will throw off the balance of power in a relationship. As though expressing feelings of love, gratitude, appreciation, or admiration makes us appear somehow weaker, more needy, more dependent. The irony, I find, is that some of the strongest people I know – or have ever seen – are the ones who are willing to stand naked in front of a crowd and expose their weaknesses without shrinking back or feeling ashamed. Gandhi is a great example. My friend from 7th grade, and my wife are two others.

It’s as though they’ve decide that having weaknesses does not make you weak. Anyone can build a wall around themselves and try to hide who they really are or what they really feel. But, as Pink Floyd wrote so brilliantly in words and music back in the 70’s, it doesn’t take much to “tear down the wall,” exposing those weaknesses, and destroying the person. The truly strong person is the person who can expose their weaknesses to the crowd, with no walls to protect them, and stand there head held high knowing that no other person is in a place to judge them. Denial of weakness is just another weakness. Acknowledgment is truth strength. As Ambrose Redmoon put it:

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

Being true to how we really feel is more important. Telling others how we feel about them, as we would like to know how they feel about us, is more important. Acknowledging the service of others, so that we encourage more people to serve their fellow man, is more important. Living in the Now, in a state of connection with, and gratitude for our fellow man rather than in a state of isolation, loneliness, distrust, and conflict with our fellow man, is more important.

The pleasant surprise is that it is much easier to be strong and courageous enough to share your gratitude than you might first expect. And it gets easier each time you do it. Facing fear makes fear go away. I have never met anyone who didn’t want to be thanked or told that they were loved. It was my inability to say it that was the true weakness. I am much stronger now, and getting stronger each day.

On The American Fighting Man

2010-05-21T10:10:00.000-07:00

For this week's post, I am borrowing someone else's words. This is an excerpt from an e-mail that I received that I thought was very well said, and a good reminder for those who don't know a lot of military personnel personally. I don't know who the author was -- I would love to give them credit. Although this passage refers to the average military "man", I hope that you will read it as I did, interpreting "man" to represent both Service Men and Women, as they both serve equally:

The average age of the military man is 19 years. He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal circumstances is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country. He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than wash his father's, but he has never collected unemployment either.

He's a recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student, pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has a steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns from half a world away.

He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was at home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to well after dusk. He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him, but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less time in the dark. He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must.

He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professional. He can march until he is told to stop, or stop until he is told to march. He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation, but he is not without spirit or individual dignity. He is self-sufficient.

He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears the other. He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry. He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never to clean his rifle. He can cook his own meals, mend his own clothes, and fix his own hurts.

If you're thirsty, he'll share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food. He'll even split his ammunition with you in the midst of battle when you run low.

He has learned to use his hands like weapons and weapons like they were his hands. He can save your life - or take it, because that is his job. He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay, and still find ironic humor in it all.

He has seen more suffering and death than he should have in his short lifetime. He has wept in public and in private for friends who have fallen in combat, and is unashamed.

He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away ' those around him who haven't bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking. In an odd twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful.

Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great-grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom. Beardless or not, he is not a boy. He is the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years. He has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding.

Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood.

On Finding Beauty in Gray

2010-04-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I hail from the Emerald City – Seattle. And, although Seattle is well known for its rain, most Seattleites will tell you that it’s not the rain that gets to you, it’s the gray. The rain in Seattle is actually a very light, misty rain most of the time – barely noticeable, and certainly not requiring of an umbrella. However, even when it’s not raining, the skies in Seattle can be a perfectly even, formless, featureless, uniform sheet of gray from mid-October through early June. After 30+ years in Seattle, it’s not the rain that gets to me – it’s the gray.

With regard to people, and our interactions with one another on the other hand, I’ve come to find a tremendous beauty in grayness. You see, in my observation, people are becoming increasingly polarized – especially in our infotainment. Objectivity, reason, logic, fairness, and understanding all seem to be endangered values as we give more and more of our attention and energy to the far left and the far right commentators ranting about their opposition, verbal jabs and accusations flying, fueled by what one of my former teachers used to call “dumb logic”; or worse, complete ignorance. What’s worse, we frequently presume that if someone is saying that something is “X” that means that they are saying that it can’t be anything else – it can’t also be “Y” or “Z” in addition to being “X”. And we attack and debate accordingly, based on an incomplete and presumptuous understanding of their point of view.

The truth is, there seldom is a capital “T” Truth. There is your truth, my truth, and any number of other truths depending on our own circumstances, experiences, priorities, and points of view. To say that any issue is black and white is to live in ignorant bliss; or perhaps egoic bliss. They may be one in the same. As I have mentioned before, there is no absolute “right” and absolute “wrong”. There is only what is, and whether what is works for you or not. Finding, or achieving what works – what is productive – for you typically requires not just finding what works for you, but also respecting what works for your “opponent”, and finding that sweet spot in the middle -- the gray that lies between the black and the white.

It is amazing how much time and energy can be spent when two polarized viewpoints go head to head in the hopes that one will win out as empirically correct. I invite you to consider that we don’t always have to be “right” – just productive. We don’t always have to agree -- just cooperate. We don’t always have to like, or even understand opposing opinions -- just respect them. I invite you to join me, here in my wonderful, beautiful, healthy gray world.

On "Heroes"

2010-04-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

I was tempted to write a lengthy blog today on how to speak to those who serve – sharing some insights from my experience over the course of this campaign that other civilians might not be aware of. And I still may do that another time. But in thinking about what I wanted to say, one thing kept coming to the forefront: Don’t call them Heroes.

Now, I want to be clear here: I am not suggesting this because I don’t believe that they deserve to be called Heroes. I do; wholeheartedly. In my assessment, anyone who has dedicated – and in many cases, sacrificed -- their life to serve others is the definition of a Hero.

Having said that, what I know is that if one thing is consistent among every member of the Armed Forces that I’ve spoken to, it is their humility. Call a Veteran or Service Person a Hero, and I guarantee you that they will offer you someone else who they believe is more deserving of that title. Someone who served longer, suffered more, or accomplished more. There is always someone who, in their assessment, is more deserving of the title “Hero” – no matter who you talk to, how long they've served, how much they've suffered, or how much they've accomplished.

What I’ve learned from this is that, “Heroes” are in the eye of the beholder. By all means, if you admire someone who serves, feel free to tell them that they are your Hero. Just don’t expect them to agree that they are a Hero.

And that’s part of what makes them Heroes -- their humility.

On Being Disconnected

2010-04-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

I recently took a trip to the East Coast, and what I witnessed in the airports along the way was somewhat disheartening.

If you’ve read any of the Story of How This Began on our web site, you know that I started this campaign as a result of an experience I had in an airport. I observed a Soldier in uniform, and the civilians staring at him but not saying anything to him. I decided that civilians needed a “salute” of their own that would make it easier, and therefore more commonplace, for them to express their gratitude toward those who serve to defend our freedom. It seemed somewhat unfair to ask a man or woman to serve, requiring them to wear a uniform in public places, and then stare at them in that uniform, but not tell them what’s on our minds – not share with them how much we appreciate their service. Thus making them question what’s behind those stares, making them feel separate from the rest of us dressed in our civilian clothes, living our civilian lives.

On this trip, some eight years later, I noticed something even more disconcerting: Not only were people not connecting with those who serve, they were not connecting with anyone at all. As I sat in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport waiting for my flight home, I watched as hoards of people shuffled from gate to gate, hustling and bustling amongst their fellow passengers – their fellow human beings – but not seeing them as anything more than an obstacle – an inconvenience keeping them from making it to their next gate as quickly and easily as they’d like to. There was little eye contact, few “excuse me’s”, and “please” and “thank you’s” were rare – even between people who were talking to each other. Or perhaps I should say, talking at each other.

I’d like to encourage you to observe how often you behave like this in public. How often do you feel disconnected from your fellow man? As though everyone around you is just an obstacle that you must work around to get what you want, or get to where you want to be. It is this culture of isolation and disconnection that leads to the miscommunication and distrust in our relationships, both locally and globally, that then leads to conflict. Next time you’re feeling that way, take a deep breath. Pause for just a moment, and observe the people around you. Consider what their life might be like – what they might have on their minds. Consider how much like your life theirs might be. Consider how much you might have in common with these people. And treat them like you would like to be treated in that moment. Acknowledge them. Respect them. Look them in the eye, and notice what you see. You just might be surprised to find that you see… yourself.

On PTSD

2010-02-23T16:54:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with someone at lunch today about President Obama’s commitment to bring home the majority of our Troops from Iraq by August of 2010. One of the biggest issues that our Veterans of Iraq will face in their transition back to the States is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), as have Veterans who came before them. In a discussion I had a little over a year ago with a counselor at the Seattle Veteran’s Center, the counselor said that current stats showed that 1 in 5 Veterans returning from a combat zone had PTSD. However, he also noted that he thought that number was grossly underestimated due to the high number of Troops who feel a responsibility to handle their stress on their own and not complain when they feel that there were others who had it worse than they do. His best guess was that the reality was probably closer to 75% - 85%.

Admittedly, I am not an expert on PTSD. But in my observation with counselors and Troops who have experienced PTSD, it appears that PTSD can range widely from relatively minor changes in personality to severe stress, flashbacks, and acts of violence. In a documentary movie that I just watched this past weekend called “Brothers at War”, the girlfriend of one Soldier remarked at how different he was upon his return from Iraq. She said that he’s much more serious; that he doesn’t laugh as much; in fact, he doesn’t show any emotion at all. In fact, he gets irritated at her when she gets emotional.

In another conversation that I had recently, a woman told me of a personal friend of hers who was married to a Marine Veteran of Iraq. His PTSD led to vivid, violent dreams wherein he believed he was being attacked. During one such dream, he physically attacked his wife and snapped her neck. Fortunately, after spending ten days in the hospital, she recovered. Most unfortunately, she returned home to discover that her husband had hung himself.

At the risk of stating the obvious, this has to stop. Now.

Again, having no personal experience in combat or with PTSD myself, I asked a friend, a Master Sergeant with over 20 years experience and three tours in Iraq about his. I told him that, in my observation, today’s military is doing an excellent job of training our Troops to disassociate from their fear and rely on their training in stressful situations so that they can get their job done and survive. But where they are falling short is in training our Troops on what to do with that fear and stress when they are no longer in combat, when the adrenaline is no longer pumping, and when that fear comes back up from where they stuffed it. I asked him if he would agree with that analysis. He replied, in a nutshell, yes – that’s exactly it.

I asked my friend what I could do to help. I said, I’m not an expert at PTSD – I don’t know what to do, or how to be of any help. He replied that, aside from his therapy, the most important thing he can do to deal with the feelings is to talk about it. The most important thing I can do – we can do, then, is to listen. Don’t judge it. Don’t rationalize it. Don’t justify it, minimize it, or try to fix it. Just listen. Know that you’ll never truly understand it unless you’ve been there, and that’s ok. Try to as best you can. The most important thing is simply to be there for them – to create a safe space where they can let this stuff out.

There will be opportunities in the near future for us to take proactive steps to help our Veterans deal with the hell we’ve put them through, and to prevent future generations from having to experience combat-related PTSD. I hope that when that opportunity presents itself you’ll join me in taking action. In the mean time, let’s practice being there for our Veterans.

On Being Right vs. Being Productive

2010-02-17T13:06:00.000-08:00

In my fifteen years with my wife, one of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned is the difference between being right and being productive. Occasionally you’ll be fortunate enough to accomplish both, but in my experience those times are few and far between. I don’t know if this realization came through the wisdom that comes with maturity, or if it was a result of years and years of trial and error, or both. But what has become clear to me is that “right” is a matter of personal opinion, and it depends greatly on one’s own point of view, experiences, values, beliefs, and priorities. There is no capital “R” Right. There is my right, and there is your right, and they are both equally real. Therefore, arguing a point to be right will either end in a deadlock, or in one party capitulating to the other, not because of a meeting of the minds or a realization of a universal truth, but rather just to end the argument. Minds have not been changed, and therefore the argument is likely destined to be revisited at a future date, perhaps under the guise of a different issue.

If you can let go of the need to be right, you can then look an issue instead from the standpoint of asking, “How can I be productive? How can I get what I want?” More often than not, getting what you want requires finding creative solutions that allow the other party to get what they want, as well. Sometimes all this requires is understanding where the other party is coming from, and acknowledging or validating that. Sometimes it requires a give and take, where you offer something in return for what they are offering you. But it always requires mutual respect.

The most acute examples of this lesson have come for me in my relationship with my wife. Our romantic partners are wonderful mirrors for showing us who we are and challenging us to decide who we want to be. But the lesson is equally applicable to family, friends and coworkers, countrymen, and fellow human beings throughout the world. Wars have been fought over “Right”. They’ve never been productive. As you encounter and relate to others I’d encourage you to ask yourself whether your focus is on being right and proving the other wrong; and if it is, ask yourself how that is working out for you, and whether there might be another way to approach the situation that might be more productive. Your ego may fight you on it, as mine has from time to time – it is critically important to the ego to be right. But I think you’ll find in the end that it is much more satisfying to be respectful and understanding of others and get what you want than it is to stick steadfastly to your own position, firmly entrenched in your righteousness, but still not getting what you want.

Being right always comes at a cost, and sometimes those costs can be high – lost jobs, estranged relationships, loved ones lost. Perhaps, just perhaps, if more of us as a global community were focused on being productive rather than being right, we would never again send our brothers and sisters, sons and daughters off to fight one more war to defend our righteousness. Perhaps we could be productive enough to find solutions without war. Hmm… just think of it…

On Remembering

2010-02-09T14:56:00.000-08:00

I was having a conversation with someone the other day and they told me that they loved our campaign, but that they had a bad memory, and usually remembered The Sign about 20 minutes after having seen a member of our armed forces. I suggested to them that they might want to think about a ritual or a habit that they could adopt that would remind them.

For instance, every day I wear something that reminds me to be in a place of gratitude toward those who are serving to defend my freedom. Sometimes it’s a set of dog tags, or a bracelet, other days it’s a t-shirt or a sweatshirt with thegratitudecampaign logo on the front. I don’t wear these to show my gratitude or to express it to those who serve – I wear them to remind myself to be in a state of gratitude. The ritual of putting it on, and of catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror or a store window and seeing that logo periodically throughout the day creates a subtle, repeated reminder that I am Free, and I am grateful to those who have provided that to me.

The things that I wear are all things that we have sold in the past, or are currently selling on our web site to help support our campaign. But these kinds of rituals can be done without even buying anything. If a purchase from our web site isn’t workable for you right now, try simply printing out our logo from the header of our web site. Tape it to your bathroom mirror next to your sink, or carry it in your pocket or purse so that every day, at least once a day, you’ll see it and remember those who serve. And even if for just a couple of seconds each day, you’ll be in a state of gratitude, and imagine expressing that gratitude to someone who serves.

Then, on that day that you do see someone in uniform, or perhaps a Veteran wearing a memorial hat or pin, you’ll remember that logo you saw just that morning, or on your shirt right then. You’ll remember what they’ve done for you. And you’ll show your gratitude – either verbally, or with The Sign -- the Sign that you now know immediately, because you've seen it every single day. And then perhaps, as I’ve been told by many Service Personnel, in that moment they will remember why they serve, and be as proud of that as they have every right to be.

On Giving Power to the Positive

2010-02-01T15:01:00.000-08:00

There is a rule in business, specifically with respect to customer service, that a happy customer will tell three people about their positive experience, while an unhappy customer will tell ten people about their negative experience. I was discussing that with someone last week when I realized that I had accepted that statistic as self-evident, without ever considering why that would be. Why do we do that? Why do we tell more people about our negative experience than we do our positive experience? Isn’t the positive experience the one that we want to reinforce? So why do we put more time and energy into focusing on what’s wrong than we do on what’s right?

The hypothesis that I developed in the midst of this conversation was that perhaps we focus on what we feel needs to be changed. If an experience went well for us, perhaps we decide that no action needs to be taken beyond continuing to do what is already working. Whereas if we observe that a situation, circumstance, or experience is not working, then something needs to change. And in order for someone to change it, they need to understand what doesn’t work about the current situation. So we are all too happy to tell them all the things that are wrong with what they’re doing. Of course that’s not really true -- we seldom tell the person who can actually affect change what the change is that needs to happen. Instead we tell everyone else.

It is an interesting question to ponder: What would happen if we spent as much or more of our time and energy focusing on what people are doing right, as opposed to what they’re doing wrong? It seems a given that we would get more of what we want more often if we told others what they were doing right, rather than only telling them what they’re doing wrong, leaving them guessing as to what “right” would be.

For my part, right now I’d like to applaud those who respect others’ right to their own opinion, and can share ideas without having to be right or prove the other wrong. I applaud those who are fair minded, and can see beyond their own egoic needs and serve the greater good. I applaud those who are willing to own their mistakes and admit them to others so that others may learn from them, as well. I applaud those who can hear others admit their mistakes and forgive, knowing that we all make them. I applaud those who serve their fellow man; whether it be through their place of worship; social service; police, fire, or medical service; or any number of other ways, including those who serve in the Armed Forces. And I applaud those who serve simply by sharing positive thoughts, and speaking up when they see what’s working.

Scientists have discovered that happiness is contagious; meaning that we become more happy simply being around others who are happy. In fact, we can become happier if someone two degrees away from us is happier – a friend of a friend. In fact, it still works if a friend of a friend of a friend is happier – we will become happier. So, given that, I’ll leave you with this question:

What are you spreading around?

On "You Should..."

2010-01-25T09:57:00.000-08:00

I received a comment today on one of my blogs below that informed me of the following:

“What a bunch of crap, there are so many people in the US that have been laid off, or have a terrible sickness, and so on and so on, you should focus your efforts at HOME.”

I could debate that point with the author, Mr. or Ms. Anonymous, and explain to them that there are over 20 million living Veterans in the United States, and that a large percentage of the 2.6 million who are currently serving are also stationed at bases here in the U.S., and therefore I am focusing my efforts here at home every bit as much as anywhere else.

But I’m not sure that’s even the compelling issue here. What is more compelling to me is the frequency with which we tell other people what they “should” be doing. If you take a step back from that for just a moment and think about what is really being said behind that single word it might sound something like this:

“My world is not the way I want it to be. What is important and meaningful to me is more important than what is important and meaningful to you. And in order for all to be right in my world, you must agree with my values and priorities and do what I think should be done.”

It sounds a little less reasonable when we put it that way, doesn’t it? And yet there seems to be an increasing number of people out there who feel perfectly justified in telling others what they “should” be doing.

What I've found ironic about this is that, whenever someone tells me what I “should” be doing with thegratitudecampaign (or instead of thegratitudecampaign, as the case may be) I always ask them the same question: What are you doing to take action on that “should”? I have yet to receive a single response to that question. Not one. What I assume that that means (and my observations thus far support this assumption), is that the people who tend to speak the loudest about what others “should” be doing are typically the ones doing the least to take action on that “should” themselves. It’s as though we’ve decided that we get as much karmic credit from the universe by vehemently telling others what they should do as we get by doing that thing ourselves.

I have also observed an interesting paradox in that those who do take action on what they are passionate about tend to have more respect for and be more accepting of others’ right to have their own priorities and passions. They understand that we all have our own values and priorities based on our own personal experiences – and one is not more important than another. I think that taking action on supporting the unemployed and the sick are noble and admirable pursuits, no more or less important than supporting those who serve. And I completely support Mr. or Ms. Anonymous in taking action on those passions. I support both of those efforts in my own small way. But they do not hold a place in my heart like thegratitudecampaign does. And so I will continue to do what is important and meaningful to me, and allow others to do what is important and meaningful to them. And I trust that they are all good, and they all support each other in the end.

The point is, “should” carries with it judgment that is likely counterproductive to the intention behind the statement. I find that we are more productive when we lead by example; when we suggest things that people “could” do rather than telling them what they “should” do; and when we allow everyone the freedom and space to do what feels right for them in their hearts as we do what feels right in ours. Whenever I am tempted to tell someone what they “should” be doing, I ask myself the same question I ask others: What am I doing to take action on that “should”. And more often than not, when I am tempted to “should” someone else, I am really “shoulding” myself.

On Supporting the Troops or Supporting Peace

2010-01-18T16:44:00.000-08:00

In my experience there seems to be a polarization in the United States; two ideas that most people see as mutually exclusive: supporting our Troops or supporting Peace. Just based on the feedback I’ve received to this campaign, it seems that the Support the Troops movement is typically associated with the conservative right, while the Support Peace movement is associated with the liberal left. And seldom do the two meet in the middle – to the point where many people will look at me cross-eyed when I suggest that you can do both -- as though it makes their brain hurt.

thegratitudecampaign is, at its core, about empowering people to open their hearts to one another. This may sound just cute as a sound bite, but when you really consider what that means it has pretty deep implications for those who choose to accept the challenge. When you take two minutes and really connect with what you are thanking our Troops for – devoting their lives, and in many cases sacrificing their lives so that we can be whoever we want to be – you cannot ignore the gravity and the magnitude of that gift. And when you look one of these people in the eye to express your gratitude for that, you cannot help but feel the exchange of emotion, and the humility of having someone that you don’t even know make that commitment and sacrifice for you. It seems to follow that if they have accepted this responsibility of protecting and defending our Freedom, we must honor and respect that by accepting the responsibility for when, where, and why we put them in harm’s way.

[ Now, before I go on I want to be clear that when I discuss the concept of war, or putting our Troops in harm’s way, I am speaking of war in general unless I specify otherwise – I am not necessarily commenting or making a judgment on our current war(s). The questions I raise need to be answered on a case-by-case basis. And they will likely be answered differently depending on which conflict we’re talking about. ]

Ultimately we, civilians, are responsible for how our government deploys our Armed Forces. Our President and our Congressmen represent us. They make their decisions based on what they believe we want. We tell them what we want with our voices (or lack thereof) and our votes (or lack thereof), and our lifestyle choices. When we tell them that we want cheap gas (and lots of it), safe travels, favorable international trade, and global influence, they must find a way to deliver. And they’ll deliver through force if a peaceful and cost-effective solution cannot be found. Our Troops bear the heaviest burden of that. So if we truly want to thank our Troops, what better way than to do what we can to work for Peace? To make sacrifices and find solutions in our own lives to solve these issues so that our Troops don’t have to solve them by force, and to keep them as safe as they keep us? We cannot claim to be supporting our Troops if we are sending them to war frivolously, or if we are not willing to make sacrifices in our own lives as they sacrifice for us.

Having said that, it’s important to recognize that sometimes in order to put a stop to war you have to go to war. It seems clear that we could not have stopped Hitler through diplomacy alone. Food shipments in Somalia, and recently in Haiti could not be delivered safely without the protection and order provided by our Troops. Because desperate people do desperate things, we often need to be willing to stand up and fight for we believe is right – to fight for Peace. And when those times come, we need the service of those who are willing to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.

In the end, supporting our Troops or supporting Peace are not mutually exclusive ideas. To the contrary, we should support Peace because we support our Troops. And we should support our Troops because we support Peace. When our choices and decisions do both – as individuals, and as a country – that’s when we’re being the best version of ourselves.

On The Tragedy in Haiti

2010-01-14T11:19:00.000-08:00

We here at thegratitudecampaign are heartbroken about the tragic events in Haiti on Tuesday. Our hearts go out to those who lost their lives, those who lost loved ones, and those still looking.

It is worth noting, at the same time, how the worst of situations can bring out the best in us all. The international response to this crisis has been admirable, and we hope that it continues as a shining example of how we can love and support our fellow human beings regardless of their nationality, religious or political beliefs. Love and compassion know no borders.

We have made a small donation to help in the relief efforts, and we encourage you to consider doing what you can to help those in need. You can make a donation to the Red Cross by visiting http://www.redcross.org/.

You can also simply text "HAITI" to "90999" and a donation of $10 will be given automatically to the Red Cross to help with relief efforts, charged to your wireless bill.

thegratitudecampaign is, at it's core, about showing people what's in your heart. What better time to do that than now?

On Christmas Spirit

2010-01-11T21:57:00.000-08:00

I know that that headline might seem a little odd for a blog posted on January 12th. Christmas is over, right? Yes it is. The Christmas tree has been taken down, the Christmas music removed from our iPods to make room for more mainstream stuff, and the gifts are all placed in their new homes next to all the old stuff -- to the point that the newness of them has almost already warn off.

What I find interesting about this time of year and what I wanted to comment on is this:

How many of us watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year? And how many more just enjoy the Vince Guaraldi music from that special? In his song, “Christmas Time is Here” there is a line that says, “Oh that we could always see such spirit through the year.” There’s another song in my rotation called “I Wish Every Day Could Be Like Christmas” by Jon Bon Jovi. And I’m sure that there are many more with similar sentiments that we all sing along with, fully entrenched in the Christmas spirit, and think, “Yeah – I wish every day could be like Christmas, too.” The warm, fuzzy feeling that we have at that time of year; the open-heartedness; the willingness to reach out to, and care for, and love our fellow man -- I know that that sounds sappy and sentimental now that we’re out of the Christmas season. But really, what’s so crazy about that idea? If we can be that way at Christmas (or Hanukah, or Kwanza, or Ashura, or Solstice, or whatever you choose to celebrate this time of year), what is stopping us from being that way all year? It’s amazing how quickly that feeling goes away, and we settle right back into our routines and our self-centeredness.

When we think of January, we tend to think of the New Year, and of resolutions. How many of us make resolutions that have anything to do with reaching out to other people like we did at Christmas? I’m guessing not too many. Resolutions tend to be about losing weight, reaching our financial goals, quitting smoking… which are all good things, of course. I’m just struck by how quickly we return to thinking about “me, me, me.”

So this week, I’d like to suggest a different kind of resolution. What if we resolved to show our Holiday spirit all throughout the year? What if we reached out to our fellow man, and showed compassion, and understanding, and respect to others every day of the year? What if we focus our attention on how much we are alike with the people around us, rather than how we are different, and we deal with those people with love rather than fear? It may sound sappy and idealistic, but I can live with that. I’d rather live with that than the alternative. And I’m man enough to be sappy and sentimental and be ok with it. I’ve had great role models who've been man enough to be loving and compassionate and serve their fellow man - a Captain, and a Master Sergeant just to name two. And I can follow their lead. How about you?

On Gift Giving

2009-12-29T19:38:00.000-08:00

This was a particularly interesting Christmas for my wife and me. You see, we have a tradition in my family of exchanging Christmas wish lists with the rest of our extended family over the Thanksgiving weekend so that we know what everyone wants for Christmas as we begin our holiday shopping. This started out with very good intentions – we wanted to be sure that what we bought for each other for Christmas were things that we truly wanted, and not just money wasted on something that would end up in the closet, given away or sold at a garage sale. Unfortunately, as the years have passed what started out as gracious communication has become an obligation – an obligation to come up with a list of things that we want that are A) meaningful to us enough that they would be fun for others to give, but also B) at a reasonable price such that they are affordable and reasonable to ask for; and subsequently the obligation to buy things off others’ lists for them. Christmas shopping has become more of a rote task or to-do, and less of a joyful expression of love.

Year after year, it seems, it is getting harder and harder to come up with things to put on our lists. I mean, we’re adults – if we want something, we go get it. We don’t put it on a wish list in the hopes that someone will buy it for us at Christmas, which might be months away. And if we don’t buy it for ourselves, it’s probably because it is a little spendy and we can’t justify the expense. In which case, if we can’t justify purchasing it for ourselves, we certainly can’t ask others to buy it for us at Christmas when they are already buying for 10 to 20 other people as well. So, in the past, we have forced ourselves to come up with a list of things that we “wouldn’t mind having” that are still reasonably priced; which is to say a list of things that we have already determined are not important enough to us to buy for ourselves, and we could essentially take or leave. The knowledge that our family is spending their hard-earned money to buy us things that we can take or leave, and that we are doing the same for them for no other reason than to satisfy the tradition of giving gifts on Christmas day has been hard for us to justify. This year we just hit a wall, and we couldn’t do it.

Now, it’s not that I have some philosophical issue with gift giving – to the contrary, I think it’s wonderful and I thoroughly enjoy the Christmas season. I am particularly fond of “A Christmas Carol” – the version with George C. Scott made in 1984. One of my favorite lines from that movie is when Scrooge’s nephew is inviting him to dinner, and he says:

“I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable time; when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely to their fellow man. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver into my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and I say God bless it!”

Gift giving is a wonderful expression of our willingness to open our shut-up hearts, to think of others as much or more than we think of ourselves, and to show our appreciation and love for the people in our lives. And I recall many years when I was really excited about giving a particular gift to a particular person – just anticipating seeing the look on their face when they open the package. Unfortunately, those times are getting fewer and farther apart as joy turns to obligation. The gifts seem to be getting increasingly trivial and meaningless – to both the giver and the receiver.

So this year, when asked what I wanted for Christmas, I told my family that I was immediately reminded of a song by the Goo Goo Dolls called “Better Days”. The lyric I heard in my head was:

“And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days”

I told my family that what I would really like is for them to donate their time or money to a charity of their choice; then I would like them to buy or write me a card telling me who they donated to, and why that was meaningful to them. That story would be my gift. It turned out to be more profound an experience than I could have imagined.

Among other members of my family who donated to various charities, my mother and father donated what they would have spent on my wife and me to a single mother and her three children that had lost their home due to floods two years ago. They are now bankrupt and living in a friend’s basement. This alone was enough to bring a tear to my eyes – something no other gift had done in as many years as I could remember. But there was more.

My mother also wrote me a letter telling me about an experience she had had while eating lunch on a day out of shopping. She saw a woman on the corner outside the restaurant holding a sign that said, “Hard Times; Need Help.” So she walked up to the woman and said, “Tell me about your hard times.” The woman explained that she had lost her job two weeks prior, and that she was the sole support for her 20 year old son and his infant son. They were living together in an apartment, but were very concerned that they might soon lose it. It was 29 degrees out, and the woman was clearly cold. My mother asked her if she had had any lunch. She said that she had a sandwich about an hour prior. My mother asked her if she could use a warm drink. The woman said yes, and so my mother went and bought her one and brought it back. After listening to the woman’s story, sympathizing with her, and wishing her “better days”, my mother handed the woman a $20 bill and a packet of tissues for her nose, and wished her a happy holiday.

What was most striking to me about this story, and I believe most meaningful to my mother, was not that she bought her a drink, or gave her $20 when most of us would have felt charitable giving $2, but that she listened to this woman. She acknowledged her as a fellow human being, respected her, sympathized with her, and connected with her. Here was this woman who, on the surface, my mother had nothing in common with. But through a little conversation and mutual respect, my mother found commonality – they were both mothers trying to care for their families.

The gift that my mother gave me through this experience was the knowledge that what was spent on me was meaningful, and it made a difference in the world. The $20 she gave that woman would have bought me a DVD that would have collected dust on my shelf most of the year. But to this woman, $20 may have made the difference between having electricity this month or not; paying rent or not; feeding her children or not. By connecting with this woman, even for a moment, my mother reminded us all that we are more alike with our fellow man than we are different. And if we can just set our assumptions aside for a moment and open up our shut-up hearts to each other, we can discover ourselves in others.

As you consider those who serve to protect and defend our Freedom, I’d encourage you to remember the gift that they are giving to you – the gift of Freedom. This is a very expensive gift for them to give. Your gift to them is to make it meaningful – use it, cherish it, respect it. And pass it on – pay it forward - whenever and wherever you can.

On Narrow-mindedness

2009-12-14T16:10:00.000-08:00

Today I received the following comment posted to our YouTube page:

“why are we thanking them again??? for killing innocent people, raping women and killing kids? maybe "fuck you" would be a better thing to say.. and we all know the sign...”

This came at an interesting time for me because I am currently engaged in an ongoing e-mail conversation with a woman who also posted a comment to our YouTube page. Hers was in response to a Viet Nam Veteran who had posted several comments about how significantly differently we Americans are treating those returning from Iraq and Afghanistan in comparison to how we treated our Veterans returning from Viet Nam forty years ago. He shared just how difficult his life had been as result of being mistreated and misunderstood upon his return, having been spit upon and called “baby killer”, and how that experience had defined his life since. This woman posted the following response to him:

“…we (the war protestors of the Vietnam era) screwed up badly by blaming the Soldiers for the atrocious politics which produced that war. What happened to [a Viet Nam Veteran] was horrible and unwarranted and repeated many times. I've felt badly about blaming the troops, not their handlers, for 40 years. I apologize, for what little it's worth now.“

Two years, 8,000 e-mails, and 1,100 YouTube comments after starting thegratitudecampaign, this is the first person that I have observed taking ownership of the mistakes (albeit well-intentioned) of the protestors of the Viet Nam era and apologizing for them. This takes a big person to do – it is much easier to hang your head low, keep quiet, and pretend that you had nothing to do with it. Nobody would know. I am incredibly grateful to this woman for not doing that. She is not only setting a wonderful example for us all in recognizing our mistakes, owning them, and learning from them, but she is also helping to enlighten a new generation of protestors not to make the same mistakes again. Unfortunately for some, this recognition and admission comes too late, as is exemplified by this gentleman above.

One of the most striking aspects of war protest in my observation has been that the protestors, who presumably believe in Peace, and Love, and Compassion, often become so passionate about their cause and so incensed by the struggle that they become the very thing they are fighting to overcome. Such is the case with the gentleman above. He is so passionate about his perceived wrongs done by our Troops that his response is, “Fuck you.” Them’s fightin’ words where I come from. And the Peace movement hippies of the late sixties and early seventies – many of them would turn on a dime from chanting “Make Love Not War” to spitting on some poor Soldier returning from what was an already horrific war and calling him a “baby killer”. For many of our Troops this took their already severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and multiplied it to an insurmountable life obstacle. Is that Love? Is that Compassion? Is that how we foster Peace with our fellow man?

Now, I want to be crystal clear on this point: I am not making a case here for or against war protest. I will simply say two things with regard to that: 1) That I am not a huge fan of war as a rule – I don’t think that many of us are. I think we’re better than that. And I think that we owe it to those who serve to do what we can to promote Peace, and not send them off to fight the battles that we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves. And 2) I believe that we are most successful and productive when we fight for something rather than against something. Fighting against something tends to just produce more of that thing. (How is the War on Poverty going? Or the War on Drugs?)

The compelling issue to me on this topic is not whether we support the war or protest the war, but HOW we support or protest it. Are we being honest and respectful with one another? Are we mindful of the power of our words, and using them with integrity? Are we being understanding of one another’s points of view and trying to address each other’s concerns? Or are we ignoring one another while we wait for our turn to speak and then lacing our comments with dramatic, insulting, and offensive jabs to try to break down our opponents and prove them entirely “wrong”, as if we are the sole purveyors of “right”? And when we do that, are we sacrificing even our own morals and values, applying stereotypes across the board in a vain effort to simplify our argument for our opponent, or even for ourselves?

I may be verging on rambling here, so I’ll bring this back around:

“Why are we thanking [those who serve]?” Because they defend our right to disagree. Hopefully we have the good sense to do it peacefully, respectfully, and honestly. “For killing innocent people, raping women and killing kids?” No. That’s not to say that that doesn’t happen in war. But if and when it does, it is the exception – not the rule. We have over 2.6 million people serving for us in some capacity, and over 20 million living Veterans, the vast majority of which have never served in a combat zone or fired a weapon in anger. As for how many have been accused of rape, I could not say. But I sincerely doubt that it’s any higher than the national average. I believe that our Troops make every reasonable effort to avoid those things. But I also believe that some of that is an inherent, unavoidable fact of war. War is an ugly thing. Innocent people die. We can either accept that as we send our Troops off to battle, or we can decide that that’s not acceptable to us as a society and take responsibility ourselves for solving our international disputes without going to war. But it is not a fair and reasonable solution to protest the ugliness of war by being narrow-minded, stereotypical, bigoted and abusive to those who provide our very Freedom in the first place.

“Maybe ‘fuck you’ would be a better thing to say…” Well, that depends on your intentions. If you’re looking to start a fight, then “FU” is a great way to start one. Abusive language is only a half-step away from violence. But if you believe in Peace, I’d suggest that “Thank You” will get you much further. As in, “Thank you for defending my right to speak my mind. I’m going to use that right that you gave me to work for Peace. And I’m going to do it with dignity, and respect, and integrity.” That’s how we change the world.

On War, Killing and Dying

2009-12-11T15:55:00.000-08:00

This is a solemn subject that weighs very heavily on me. But it seemed appropriate to comment on this, especially in light of this week's acceptance of the Nobel Peace Prize by a President in the precarious position of presiding over two ongoing wars. This seems a perfect example that, despite how much we all may prefer a world of absolutes, we seldom have the luxury of things being either black or white.

I want to be clear that I have never served in the armed forces. I have no personal experience with war. I have never been asked to lay my life on the line for someone else, nor bore the burden of taking another’s life. Accordingly, I would never presume to tell someone who has bore these burdens how they should feel about it. Their experience is their own, as are their feelings about it, and I have no judgments about those.

For the rest of us who stand on the sidelines and debate whether to send our Troops into battle, but do not bare that burden ourselves, I would like to offer some thoughts. And, again, not having any personal experience to draw upon, I’ll borrow some words from those who do. First, in response to those who oppose war at all costs I would offer these words from John Stuart Mill:

"War is an ugly thing, but it is not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing he cares about more than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free unless made so by the exertions of better men than himself."

Mills’ words, although perhaps a little more passionate than I would state it, are completely true. I believe that we, as human beings, can and will reach a point in our evolution when we learn how to live together in Peace, and that we will realize the futility of war. We are not there yet, unfortunately. And until we are, there will be times and places when we must be prepared to fight for what we believe is right. And we will need the service of those who are willing to stand up and fight for those who can’t fight for themselves.

Having said that, I do believe that we have reached a stage in our evolution as human beings when it is time to recognize our own responsibility for the wars that have plagued our planet for most of our known history, and to start owning the responsibility for preventing them from happening in the future. We can no longer point the finger to other countries, other governments, other leaders, or even to our own government and blame them for the violence perpetrated in our names.

There is a theory in psychology (and in some spiritual circles) that all of our decisions and actions are motivated either by Love or by Fear. That’s it – it’s one of those two. If we look at what causes war and killing, it seems a given that it is more motivated by Fear than by Love. General William C. Westmoreland put it this way:

“War is Fear cloaked in Courage.”

As we examine our interpersonal relationships, it is not difficult to recognize that when we come from a place of Love we feel strong, safe, confident, compassionate, abundant, and understanding. We are willing to bend, to meet the other half way, or even give entirely of ourselves in order to serve the greater good. When we come from a place of Fear we feel unsafe, needy, a sense of scarcity, defensive, and even aggressive. We are unwilling to bend on even the simplest of issues, and we are concerned only for our own well being. Fear is a natural thing, and it’s not always bad – a healthy dose of Fear can keep us alert and aware of potential problems. It’s when we allow the Fear to be the driver in the solutions for those problems that we become hostile and aggressive, and we allow our Fear to get the better of us. When problem solving deteriorates to violence, we have failed to deal with our Fears (and other’s Fears) in a productive way. Isaac Asimov put it this way:

“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.”

The critical factor in our evolution as human beings is the realization that we are all one – we are part of a collective. And the energy we bring to that collective in the form of our thoughts, opinions, and feelings has an impact on the decisions and movements of the whole. We point to our political leaders and blame them for the failures to find peaceful solutions to our international issues. But in the end, our leaders are ultimately trying to serve us – to provide us with what we are demanding through our lifestyle choices. In the end, our leaders are elected by us – they work for us – and they do what we are telling them we want. We may not be telling them verbally, but we are telling them through our lifestyle choices. And so, in the end, the Fear that we most need to deal with is our own – each and every one of us – our Fear of lack, of “not enough”, of “I need more in order to be fulfilled”… our Fear of change itself. Francis Meehan put it this way:

“Men are at war with each other because each man is at war with himself.”

The irony is that every war reaches a point where people have had enough killing, enough dying, enough of the futility of destruction. But we forget. We live a few years in prosperity until we are again threatened by change, and we allow our Fear to get the better of us again. What will it take to shift our focus from Fear to Love? To make the option of loving one another more palatable than killing one another? We thought that it was going to be WWI – “the war to end all wars.” But it wasn’t. Just a few short years later the entire world engaged in an even greater war. And there have been many since. Near the end of WWII, President Roosevelt said:

“I have a suspicion that when this war does end, we shall not be in a very celebrating mood, a very celebrating frame of mind. I think that our main emotion will be one of grim determination that this shall not happen again.”

I’d like to encourage all of us to face our own Fears, and not ask others to do it for us; to embrace that grim determination that war shall not happen again; and to take personal responsibility for asking, “What can I do in my life to reduce the likelihood of wars happening in the future on my behalf” and making those changes. If we can save the planet by riding our bikes and recycling our trash, what do we need to do to prevent our deterioration to violence? Let’s find out – for ourselves, for our children, and for those who serve and bare the heaviest burden. We owe them nothing less.

“The Soldier above all others prays for Peace, for it is the Soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.”

-Douglas MacArthur

On Politics and Gratitude

2009-12-11T15:02:00.000-08:00

We are currently working on some updates to our web site, one of which is a page on which I respond to the most common questions and comments that I've received in the past two years of working on The Gratitude Campaign. One of the more challenging issue that people tend to have with our video is our comment that, "It's not about politics." So I thought it appropriate to start our blog with that:

In our video, we say “It’s not about politics.” What do we mean by that? Or, as some might see it, how can we say that? Well, to put things into their simplest terms, in my observation those who believe in Peace tend to be associated with the liberal left, whereas those who support our Troops tend to be associated with the conservative right. The debates between liberal left and conservative right have become so boisterous, dramatic, and emotional that our society is becoming increasingly polarized. It seems at times that one side opposes an issue for no other reason than that the other side supports it. We often argue for the sake of arguing rather than for the sake of finding a solution that we can all live with. And as we become increasingly polarized, we often assume that if something isn't "A" it must be "Z", when in fact the truth tends to fall somewhere between "K" and "Q". And for those who would rather that things be in their simplest terms, this has led to a dynamic where those who support Peace oppose the Troops, and those who support the Troops oppose Peace. I don’t believe that this dynamic is serving us as a society. We’re more concerned with being Right than we are with being Productive – and our Troops get caught in the middle.

The truth is we all benefit from the service of our Troops, whether we be liberal left, conservative right, or somewhere in the middle. Some of us benefit more directly than others, as in the case of those rescued from a mountain climbing accident, or stranded by flood waters, or suffering from starvation in drought ridden parts of the world. But even those of us who have not had to suffer these more acute problems benefit from the service of our Troops in that, in everything that they do, they serve to defend and protect our Freedoms – not the least of which is our Freedom of Speech. I would not be able to write this now were it not for those serving to defend my Freedom. And they serve in the same fashion regardless of which political party their Commander in Chief belongs to.

While we understand that wars are powerful and controversial examples of the lowest form of political negotiation, and our Troops are obviously a part of that, we’d like to encourage people to open their minds a bit – to look beyond the current conflict and political debate. Notice that there are currently 2.6 million people serving for us in some capacity here in the United States, only 165,000 of which are in Iraq – that’s roughly 6%. That means that 94% of our military is serving in some other place, and in some other way than fighting the war in Iraq. And even those serving in Iraq did not necessarily choose to be there. In addition, there are roughly 20 million living Veterans in the United States today who served in WWII, Korea, Viet Nam, Panama, Nicaragua, Somalia, and a thousand other places over the past 75 years – all of which have made us who we are today. We can debate the finer points of each of these conflicts – we have the Freedom to do that. But at the root of it all are millions of people who have committed themselves to serving their fellow man in whatever way they are called to.

So whether you’re liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican, Independent or Green Party, we all have a reason to be grateful to those who serve for us. And so, instead of debating the political correctness of the current conflict as though it were the only service provided by our Troops, and pointing our fingers at those who unjustly started this war or unjustly oppposed it, perhaps we should be looking ourselves in the mirror and asking what we have done with the Freedom that they have provided us with.

As I often say in my e-mail responses, if you have an opinion about our international relations, I say voice it! And if, on the way to voice it, you should pass someone who serves, perhaps you could thank them for defending your right to voice it.